Yeah, I'm not really sure how to preface this. It's Sarah Palin, this much I know. She's pretty much looping her dialogue as usual... like so.
"Well, now that I'm back to Alaska, I'm ready to continue servin' the people and running the government. So I'm just going run it as best I can, and serve to the best of my ability. Basically, I'm back in Alaska."
*wink ad nauseum*
Now that's not verbatim or anything, but it's basically the pattern she follows. That being said it's not what she says it's how, where, and JESUS CHRIST WHY she says it.
Keep in mind this is after she pardoned the eligible turkeys this year.
You really just have to love to hate to love to hate her.
And the "Are you fucking serious? Doing an interview in front of a live turkey slaughter 'for fun'" look on the guy behind her isn't too shabby either.
More to come, I promise
Jimmy
P.S. WotLK+Baby+Holidays(Church*Capital=MusicianDemand)= Underrepresentation of Blog
Friday, November 21, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
FPOD - Efficient. Simple. Pants-pissingly funny.
Here at Jimmy Rules the World, we value the whole joke (and by we I mean me and the half cup of garlic heart-clogger butter that came with my Papa John's™.
We score whole jokes based on an ultra-complex equation. Taking quantitative scores measured across the globe by a crack team of hilaritologists, we enter these numbers into a series of servers linked with underplayed Playstation 3 systems. Once we apply Euclid's algorithm, the resulting schedule presents us with a near-flawless cross-section of the real world laugh factor for said joke. Comprehensive, thorough, and trusted the world over.
What we look for:
That being said, this is hilarious. Enjoy my friends.
Enemies.... burn in hell you douchenozzles.
As always,
Jimmy
Goodnight!
We score whole jokes based on an ultra-complex equation. Taking quantitative scores measured across the globe by a crack team of hilaritologists, we enter these numbers into a series of servers linked with underplayed Playstation 3 systems. Once we apply Euclid's algorithm, the resulting schedule presents us with a near-flawless cross-section of the real world laugh factor for said joke. Comprehensive, thorough, and trusted the world over.
What we look for:
- The substance - how well the dialogue is written.
- The delivery - the who of the joke. Were you monotone? Physically animated?
- The punchline - not necessarily but most often the funniest part.
- Ratio of the snowballing upcurve to the difficulty of execution.
- Acessibility and translatability. Will this joke work internationally? Does the punchline involve me subscribing to your western monotheism?
- Lack of agenda based underbelly - is this joke funny because you're trying to prove a point and/or win me to your cause?
- Viral spread - how fast your joke makes it from person to person. If you tell it now, will someone be telling it to you next week/month/year.
That being said, this is hilarious. Enjoy my friends.
Enemies.... burn in hell you douchenozzles.
As always,
Jimmy
Goodnight!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
WTF - Drying your hands away from home.
You know the drill, you're out and about, enjoying a nice steak or depositing a check or two ... when out of the blue your body alerts you that it is now time to head to the WC. A small inconvenience to say the least (abnormally small in some cases). Fast forward a few minutes - adding extra time to ensure you find the stall without the glory hole (unless that's your thing) - and it's time to wash your hands. A bit of unusually cold water, seventeen futile pumps on an empty soap dispenser, and it's off to dry your cold dripping digits and continue your day.
Or so you thought.
You now discover some Inquisition-like manner of torture meant to dry your hands. After twenty or thirty years of life, you are stricken with childlike awe as you gaze upon what must be the T1000 of drying mechanisms. Some strange device sent back from the future to dry your hands - for if left wet, they may go on to lead the human resistance.
Let's start at the beginning.
Here's the primordial ooze of paper towel dispensers. The one your mom and dad used. This is the dispenser that they put in the kitchen of whatever fancy dining establishment you frequent. It's the janitor of paper towel dispensers. You crank, you tear, you dry, you leave. It's the Steve Gutenberg of paper towel dispensers. You loved it in the 80's, and now you wonder where it went, but only because I reminded you to.
Still in use today, ol' cranky here is sure to be as effective as pumping water or jerking off a goat - in that it is repetitive but not without an end result. [see dry hands, fresh water, goat semen]
Now this one is a bit odd, and I've only used one of these once or twice. This is something more along the lines of what you might find in an executive bathroom, or an old country club. Here we have a real towel, actual linen, which loops around this aluminum 8-track cassette of a hand dryer. As it makes its rounds, the towel drys and is ready for another use. Of course, if you should haphazardly cornhole yourself through the Charmin (as we are prone to do when rushed ... or itchy), this fancy linen will ensure that several hours later, some geezer will dry his hands with shit and embarrass himself for the rest of his miserable existence.
Nothing quite like drying your hands on something that makes you want to wash them over again. OCD much?
Another tried and true mechanism here. This aluminum beauty contains cute little folded towels. All locked up and nowhere to go. You can't really knock the technology here. Stacked, shiny, simplistic. The downside here being that empty feeling you get reaching for a towel only to discover an empty hole with a razor sharp edge. The sort of dangerous hole one might find at Andy Dick's gerbil farm. Either way, you will leave with bloody fingers. In addition, if you're like me, it takes about 47 of these paper towels to dry my hands, and they're packed in so tight I rip tiny LSD sized snippets leaving my hand tarred and feathered with 80% post consumer confetti.
At the very least, at least you'll be entertained by the plethora of gang-related engravings. A solemn testament to our violent past.
Sad really. Just ... sad.
Enter this douchenozzle of a dispenser.
Cylindrical, center pulled nonsense. Like the inverted baby wipes of ol', this roll of towels is pulled downward from the center. Utilizing every diametrically opposed force in the wrist, MIT dropouts have developed the first truly legitimate way to induce carpal tunnel. You grab ... pull ... pull harder ... twist ... rock back and forth ... pull a bit more ... and then with one leg against a lime green tile wall you attempt to get them to release. No dice.
45 minutes later, after speed bagging like Rocky on meth, your hands are dry.
Again, we see idiocy in form and function. This 'automatic' dispenser requires you to pull the paper towel down to a point of release, at which point a mechanism cuts the paper towel in cute zig-zaggy lines and leaves 6 inches or so for the next guy (are we still talking about the glory hole?). Two problems here:
1. You must pull down with force so even and accurate that it can only be replicated by trained Shaolin monks. The rest of us will again rip confetti out of this mess until breathing a collective "fuck it" and using our jeans.
2. Whoever designed this knew all along that it didn't work, so much so that there's a little retard-knob on the side, so when you fail - and skip the jeans option - you can turn the knuckle-spraining crank on the side to release more paper. And of course since you have more paper, you are free to repeat the whole process over ad nauseum. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Now to the most familiar, I'm sure. Ol' lever pull here is probably the most seen, and the most reliable, at least for the 30 or so days it's under warranty. After that, all bets are off. You'll find broken pull levers, plastic covers that won't stay closed, and the inevitable turbo spring meant to collapse the fingers in the "it's broken" direction with its metric ton of opposing force. Fortunately, since your hands are still soaking wet, the lever usually slips off after half an inch, thus preventing permanent damage. All in all the true beauty here is the transparent cover, meant to inform the staff that supplies are low. Instead, they only serve to mock your pissed-on hands and laugh as you stare toward the floor tile in disappointment, realizing all too late that you have been denied basic inalienable hand-drying rights.
Now we come to my personal favorite. This dolt-proof dispenser relies on one simple motion ... push, push, push. And it comes complete with a giant gray lever lets you know "Hey you wanker! Push here!"
And you do. Quite painless really. But the true magic of this design is that when the dispenser is empty, it improves the overall experience. You see, when the above dispensers are empty, you wallow in self pity, cursing your own existence ... moving your 'going postal' moment a fortnight closer.
With this dispenser, it doubles as an aggression-sponge. You push, and nothing comes out. So you beat the ever-living-shit out of it. You push that little gray lever right through the goddamn wall! And if your hands aren't dry by the time you finish fist-raping this machine ...
you're not trying hard enough.
And speaking of rape. Here we have the worst of the worst. This maniacal device was developed during break time by the Manhattan Project. The theory here being that the little infrared detector will sense your motion and dispense paper towels like pixie dust. But instead, I stand there waving my hands like an idiot trying to trigger the thing. Motion activated my ass!
Unless of course they mean that the drying of my soaking hands is motion activated, because if that's the case, mission accomplished. I just shook 3 ounces of water clear off my fingertips, you assholes!
Nothing says I'm gay like standing in a crowded men's room with 'jazz hands' waving. Meanwhile, that little red K.I.T.T. light mocks my pain. If this robotic piece of shit had a voice, it would be an eternal loop of Satan's laughter.
So, let me get his straight, we can develop forty two million ways to NOT dry my fuckin' hands. But we can't get the electric car right.
Nice. Just great. Real good America.
You know, the 'glory hole' option is starting to look better and better.
Yours Truly,
Jimmy
P.S. Just had to mention 'glory hole' three times in one post. Now somebody owes me lunch.
Or so you thought.
You now discover some Inquisition-like manner of torture meant to dry your hands. After twenty or thirty years of life, you are stricken with childlike awe as you gaze upon what must be the T1000 of drying mechanisms. Some strange device sent back from the future to dry your hands - for if left wet, they may go on to lead the human resistance.
Let's start at the beginning.
Here's the primordial ooze of paper towel dispensers. The one your mom and dad used. This is the dispenser that they put in the kitchen of whatever fancy dining establishment you frequent. It's the janitor of paper towel dispensers. You crank, you tear, you dry, you leave. It's the Steve Gutenberg of paper towel dispensers. You loved it in the 80's, and now you wonder where it went, but only because I reminded you to.
Still in use today, ol' cranky here is sure to be as effective as pumping water or jerking off a goat - in that it is repetitive but not without an end result. [see dry hands, fresh water, goat semen]
Now this one is a bit odd, and I've only used one of these once or twice. This is something more along the lines of what you might find in an executive bathroom, or an old country club. Here we have a real towel, actual linen, which loops around this aluminum 8-track cassette of a hand dryer. As it makes its rounds, the towel drys and is ready for another use. Of course, if you should haphazardly cornhole yourself through the Charmin (as we are prone to do when rushed ... or itchy), this fancy linen will ensure that several hours later, some geezer will dry his hands with shit and embarrass himself for the rest of his miserable existence.
Nothing quite like drying your hands on something that makes you want to wash them over again. OCD much?
Another tried and true mechanism here. This aluminum beauty contains cute little folded towels. All locked up and nowhere to go. You can't really knock the technology here. Stacked, shiny, simplistic. The downside here being that empty feeling you get reaching for a towel only to discover an empty hole with a razor sharp edge. The sort of dangerous hole one might find at Andy Dick's gerbil farm. Either way, you will leave with bloody fingers. In addition, if you're like me, it takes about 47 of these paper towels to dry my hands, and they're packed in so tight I rip tiny LSD sized snippets leaving my hand tarred and feathered with 80% post consumer confetti.
At the very least, at least you'll be entertained by the plethora of gang-related engravings. A solemn testament to our violent past.
Sad really. Just ... sad.
Enter this douchenozzle of a dispenser.
Cylindrical, center pulled nonsense. Like the inverted baby wipes of ol', this roll of towels is pulled downward from the center. Utilizing every diametrically opposed force in the wrist, MIT dropouts have developed the first truly legitimate way to induce carpal tunnel. You grab ... pull ... pull harder ... twist ... rock back and forth ... pull a bit more ... and then with one leg against a lime green tile wall you attempt to get them to release. No dice.
45 minutes later, after speed bagging like Rocky on meth, your hands are dry.
Again, we see idiocy in form and function. This 'automatic' dispenser requires you to pull the paper towel down to a point of release, at which point a mechanism cuts the paper towel in cute zig-zaggy lines and leaves 6 inches or so for the next guy (are we still talking about the glory hole?). Two problems here:1. You must pull down with force so even and accurate that it can only be replicated by trained Shaolin monks. The rest of us will again rip confetti out of this mess until breathing a collective "fuck it" and using our jeans.
2. Whoever designed this knew all along that it didn't work, so much so that there's a little retard-knob on the side, so when you fail - and skip the jeans option - you can turn the knuckle-spraining crank on the side to release more paper. And of course since you have more paper, you are free to repeat the whole process over ad nauseum. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Now to the most familiar, I'm sure. Ol' lever pull here is probably the most seen, and the most reliable, at least for the 30 or so days it's under warranty. After that, all bets are off. You'll find broken pull levers, plastic covers that won't stay closed, and the inevitable turbo spring meant to collapse the fingers in the "it's broken" direction with its metric ton of opposing force. Fortunately, since your hands are still soaking wet, the lever usually slips off after half an inch, thus preventing permanent damage. All in all the true beauty here is the transparent cover, meant to inform the staff that supplies are low. Instead, they only serve to mock your pissed-on hands and laugh as you stare toward the floor tile in disappointment, realizing all too late that you have been denied basic inalienable hand-drying rights.
Now we come to my personal favorite. This dolt-proof dispenser relies on one simple motion ... push, push, push. And it comes complete with a giant gray lever lets you know "Hey you wanker! Push here!"
And you do. Quite painless really. But the true magic of this design is that when the dispenser is empty, it improves the overall experience. You see, when the above dispensers are empty, you wallow in self pity, cursing your own existence ... moving your 'going postal' moment a fortnight closer.
With this dispenser, it doubles as an aggression-sponge. You push, and nothing comes out. So you beat the ever-living-shit out of it. You push that little gray lever right through the goddamn wall! And if your hands aren't dry by the time you finish fist-raping this machine ...
you're not trying hard enough.
And speaking of rape. Here we have the worst of the worst. This maniacal device was developed during break time by the Manhattan Project. The theory here being that the little infrared detector will sense your motion and dispense paper towels like pixie dust. But instead, I stand there waving my hands like an idiot trying to trigger the thing. Motion activated my ass!
Unless of course they mean that the drying of my soaking hands is motion activated, because if that's the case, mission accomplished. I just shook 3 ounces of water clear off my fingertips, you assholes!
Nothing says I'm gay like standing in a crowded men's room with 'jazz hands' waving. Meanwhile, that little red K.I.T.T. light mocks my pain. If this robotic piece of shit had a voice, it would be an eternal loop of Satan's laughter.
So, let me get his straight, we can develop forty two million ways to NOT dry my fuckin' hands. But we can't get the electric car right.
Nice. Just great. Real good America.
You know, the 'glory hole' option is starting to look better and better.
Yours Truly,
Jimmy
P.S. Just had to mention 'glory hole' three times in one post. Now somebody owes me lunch.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
We Will Get There
Ladies and gentlemen, your next President of the United States of America.
For the first time in a long time, I felt very sincerely proud to be an American.
Congratulations, sir.
And goodnight,
Jimmy
Monday, November 3, 2008
R.I.P. Madelyn Dunham
Dunham, as you may or may not know (although the picture probably gave it away) was the maternal grandmother of Barack Obama. In a bittersweet moment, Obama stated, "She was one of those quiet heroes that we have all across America. They're not famous. ... But each and every day they work hard."
Our condolances lie with Barack and the Obama's. Loss is never easy, but always harder when we lose those whom have had great impact on our lives.
Palin as President - Plus the FPOD
Just in case you haven't visited yet, check out Palin as President. They've added continually leading up to tomorrow's election, so now's as good a time as any to check it out for a quick laugh. Thanks go out to Korie for pointing this one out to me. Now give it a click, won'tcha'!
While we're bashing Sarah Palin, which I might add has officially been added as an Olympic sport in 2012. Here's a link to a compendium of articles and news relating to and supporting the idea that Sarah Palin does, in fact, suck.
Palin Sucks
BTW, did I mention that Sarah Palin sucks. Yeah, like a lot. And by Sarah Palin I mean that know-nothing pageant runner-up who likes rape, meth, and birthing ... and by sucks I mean she is completely inadequate and objectionable, not only for the position of Vice President, but pretty much any type of employment other than: telemarketer, NMSU parking enforcer, professional necropheliac, Wal-Mart™ greeter, or the role of Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the View.
Also she sucks.
Jimmy.
A Week in the Life - Blue Light Special
Well, after a long week filled with ups and downs, I am happy to report that some semblance of normality has returned to our home. After a couple days under the bili-lite , Caitlyn was released around 3pm on Saturday afternoon. (Sample baby shown, this pic was most similar to her situation)Now we're home and working on adjusting her sleep pattern a little. In typical Murphy fashion, she is most lively between the hours of 1-5AM and dead tire between the hours of 6-11AM. This results of course in mom and dad dipping in and out of sleep periodically throughout the night. In reality, it's not that we're in and out of sleep, but rather that we're in some strange sleep "purgatory" if you will; a state which is neither truly asleep nor awake.
Unfortunately the result is that you never really get into a deep sleep, you just don't trust yourself enough. Even when one parent is awake and the other is asleep (i.e. Crystal is feeding her), it's still not enough to be reliable. I find myself falling asleep and waking up every 10-15 minutes freaking out as though I've overslept and late for work.
All that aside, nothing at this point compares to last week's scares. Not to bring that whole fiasco up again, but it's worth noting if only to convey the idea that lack of sleep is fine by me as long as everyone is healthy and happy. I don't need to sleep that much anyway. So all is well ... we're keeping an eye on any jaundice issues (jaundice being the result of too much bilirubin in the blood, hence the blue light), trying to correct the "nipple confusion (right)" caused by her being away from her mother for two days (necessitating bottle feeding), and trying to carry on with lives that were busy pre-Caitlyn. Needless to say, I'm getting to bed slightly earlier than ever before, and my naptime is just as important as hers.
So, without further adieu, I'm off to squeeze some zzzz's and kiss my girls goodnight.
More to come....
Jimmy
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Caitlyn Elizabeth Rodriguez
[I'm in and out of wireless availability, so I'll edit later. Sorry for any typos!]
[Ok, edited a little more. Somehow the end of the third paragraph ended up at the end of the last one, my bad]
[Also, CJ_ATC is dead on, the halloween costume is Princess Leia circa Episode VI, Scene 1 - not Episode 1 as previously stated ... I was mistaking real world chronology for plot chronology]
Well, long story long. We're still at the hospital. I'm home for a second before symphony rehearsal so I'll try to tell the story as succinctly as possible.
I'll apologize first for the brevity of my last post, I totally didn't mean to sound so vague.
Anyway, Crystal awoke on Tuesday around 5AM with early labor contractions. We kept them timed and when they dropped to under six minutes, so we decided to head to the hospital around 10AM. Over the weekend we had already been there because there were some preeclampsia fears, though all our lab work has come up negative. While there, her blood pressure was high only while lying down on her back, but nevertheless they decided to go ahead and admit her. The staff didn't feel comfortable letting her go home given the fact that there was no real explanation for the high blood pressure.
After a quick cervix check, it was decided that they would go ahead and induce pregnancy. So at 1:50PM Tuesday they inserted the medication, which induced natural labor over the course of 12 hours.
Sure enough roughly 12 hours later, at 1:00AM Wednesday morning, she was contracting steadily about every 3-5 minutes, sometimes as close as 1 minute apart. The pain of course, was driving her insane, and I can't imagine how any of you women do it. The induction insert was removed, and she continued to contract normally. Around 2AM the baby began pushing fiercely (already positioned head first) downward on her cervix, causing her ridiculous amounts of pain. The only difference was that there were no breaks, just a constant pain more severe than her contractions for about 10-15 minutes. So we called to the nurse's desk to request some medication, to which they happily obliged. The medication greatly reduced the pain, allowed the contractions to continue more relaxed, and gave her and I a couple of 5 minute naps between 2 and 4AM.
Around 6AM, the pain-killer was wearing plenty thin, but by 7AM on Wednesday they were already switching the staff out, and we were just waiting then for the Midwife and the Anesthesiologist. The Anesthesiologist administered the epidural (which we had decided on a long while ago), and 30 minutes later she was numb from the waist down. Relaxed, she slept for a couple of hours, waking only for fluids, labs, and blood pressure checks. Around 11 AM the Midwife checked her dilation, and decided it was time to start pushing. The room was prepped, delivery procedures were given to Crystal and I, and we began.
Labor was incredible. At first, I was rather intent on standing by her side, but as per the Midwife's request, I held one of her legs for a birds eye view of the action. The whole delivery thing wasn't nearly as bad as I though it would be. You're so amazed and intent on making the environment safe and comfortable that you will yourself to be desensitized to the rather graphic nature of the whole thing. Not only that, but with the epidural, I wasn't subject to the probable cacophony of explicatives I had received the night before. Crystal was comfortable and diligent with her breathing and pushing, which you have to do mentally since you cannot feel your muscles.
The top of the head was visible, but as she was pushing the head through the monitors were detecting too much stress on the baby, so the midwife chose to perform an assisted delivery with suction. This was a bit scary, as in rare cases applying suction to the head of the child can cause subgaleal hematoma, causing the blood from the brain to pool in the head, effectively ending the life of the child. However, the chances of that were explained as rare and she let us know that she had never failed at successfully delivering a child in this manner.
We proceeded, and though scary, the head of the child soon popped out. She quickly suctioned the nose and mouth (as there were some Meconium issues) and then completed delivery. The body of the child slipped out with relative ease, all compact and not unlike a transformer before you transform it (everything fitting together neatly). Caitlyn instantly cried and flailed her arms, eyes open, with a sort of "Where the fuck am I?" look on her face. On the warmer next to us she was cleaned, though they had to remove her to do more detailed work due to the Meconium having passed while in the uterus.
The baby spent about 5 seconds with Crystal before they rushed her off, and then the Midwife continued delivering the placenta. The placenta looks alot like what you'd imagine a Ziploc™ freezer bag would if it were filled with dark liquid, contained but fluid like.
Here's where things get weird. The placenta came out clean and smooth, passing rather easily. There was blood loss, but nothing unusual, by my estimation. The Midwife continued removing debris from the delivery and massaging Crystal's uterus. Upon inspection, however, the Midwife's expression changed just enough to concern me, and she simply stated "I think we have an inverted uterus."
Most people interchange the terms inverted uterus and retroverted uterus. Before I continue, you should know that an inverted uterus is NOT the same a retroverted uterus, the latter being a reversal of the uterus's position before pregnancy, which is of no real concern. The former is more like a sock being flipped inside out. The inside of the uterus protrudes through the cervix into the vagina, occasionally becoming exposed externally. Unfortunately, the uterine wall is lined with blood vessels, and these continue to actively bleed while the uterus is inverted. The blood loss involved is rapid, and coupled with her level 2 laceration from delivery, required emergency attention.
From what I hear this is rare, how rare I don't know because I can't find any numbers regarding the rarity. Soooo, ipso facto ... let's just say it's rare. One nurse we had said it was only her second, and from what I've read on some medical discussion boards, one doctor stated in the 35 years he had be delivering, he had only seen 20 such incidents. An internet search revealed the line I attached above, but no real detailed information.
At this point, what concerned me the most was the urgency of whatever situation this was, coupled with the fact that blood was still actively flowing from Crystal. Before I knew what hit me, there were people rushing in and out, surgeon's called, anesthesiologists called, OR's prepped, etc. My parents and hers were removed from outside the delivery room, and taken to the waiting room. I myself simply stayed composed and out of the way, which as it turns out was the only reason I was allowed to stay in the room as opposed to joining the others. An OB/GYN was rushed in, and instantly began the process of flipping the uterus right side in. Numerous nurses attached more IV's, and gave Crystal some injections to decrease the flow of blood.
Crystal herself was fine at first, but kind of afraid. Still, the blood loss had her going into shock for a bit. She was pale, eyes rolling, disoriented ... so much so the nurses gave her a couple of slaps to keep her awake. Later on, one student nurse would later comment to us that she was definitely near coding, as in Code Red ... or Blue ... or whatever Code you never want to hear.
Fortunately our outstanding OB/GYN flipped the uterus back into place and the medicine slowed the bleeding. Crystal recalled later that the instant the uterus had been put into place she immediately felt better. Three hours later, once stitched up and cleanded, she was able to finally hold Caitlyn.
I think the OB/GYN said it best this morning. You are able to intellectualize the situation, in that Crystal is ok, and Caitlyn is ok, and everyone is ok. Yet, at the same time we were still very traumatized by the experience. It was in so many ways surreal, knowing that I was as close to losing my love as I ever want to be.
But onto happier times, she and the baby are recovering fine. One more night in the hospital and Friday morning or afternoon we should be out and home again. Just in time to try on Caitlyn's Princess Leia costume (circa Scene 1/Episode 1).
I'm glad so many of you tuned into my posts. I apologize that yesterday wasn't more eventful on the blog... but that usually means it was eventful outside of it. Look forward to seeing her meet you all someday. Then she'll know what kind of people she should be hanging out with.
Then again...
Much love,
Jimmy Crystal and Caitlyn.
Here's a snippet:
[Ok, edited a little more. Somehow the end of the third paragraph ended up at the end of the last one, my bad]
[Also, CJ_ATC is dead on, the halloween costume is Princess Leia circa Episode VI, Scene 1 - not Episode 1 as previously stated ... I was mistaking real world chronology for plot chronology]
Well, long story long. We're still at the hospital. I'm home for a second before symphony rehearsal so I'll try to tell the story as succinctly as possible.
I'll apologize first for the brevity of my last post, I totally didn't mean to sound so vague.
Anyway, Crystal awoke on Tuesday around 5AM with early labor contractions. We kept them timed and when they dropped to under six minutes, so we decided to head to the hospital around 10AM. Over the weekend we had already been there because there were some preeclampsia fears, though all our lab work has come up negative. While there, her blood pressure was high only while lying down on her back, but nevertheless they decided to go ahead and admit her. The staff didn't feel comfortable letting her go home given the fact that there was no real explanation for the high blood pressure.
After a quick cervix check, it was decided that they would go ahead and induce pregnancy. So at 1:50PM Tuesday they inserted the medication, which induced natural labor over the course of 12 hours.
Sure enough roughly 12 hours later, at 1:00AM Wednesday morning, she was contracting steadily about every 3-5 minutes, sometimes as close as 1 minute apart. The pain of course, was driving her insane, and I can't imagine how any of you women do it. The induction insert was removed, and she continued to contract normally. Around 2AM the baby began pushing fiercely (already positioned head first) downward on her cervix, causing her ridiculous amounts of pain. The only difference was that there were no breaks, just a constant pain more severe than her contractions for about 10-15 minutes. So we called to the nurse's desk to request some medication, to which they happily obliged. The medication greatly reduced the pain, allowed the contractions to continue more relaxed, and gave her and I a couple of 5 minute naps between 2 and 4AM.
Around 6AM, the pain-killer was wearing plenty thin, but by 7AM on Wednesday they were already switching the staff out, and we were just waiting then for the Midwife and the Anesthesiologist. The Anesthesiologist administered the epidural (which we had decided on a long while ago), and 30 minutes later she was numb from the waist down. Relaxed, she slept for a couple of hours, waking only for fluids, labs, and blood pressure checks. Around 11 AM the Midwife checked her dilation, and decided it was time to start pushing. The room was prepped, delivery procedures were given to Crystal and I, and we began.
Labor was incredible. At first, I was rather intent on standing by her side, but as per the Midwife's request, I held one of her legs for a birds eye view of the action. The whole delivery thing wasn't nearly as bad as I though it would be. You're so amazed and intent on making the environment safe and comfortable that you will yourself to be desensitized to the rather graphic nature of the whole thing. Not only that, but with the epidural, I wasn't subject to the probable cacophony of explicatives I had received the night before. Crystal was comfortable and diligent with her breathing and pushing, which you have to do mentally since you cannot feel your muscles.
The top of the head was visible, but as she was pushing the head through the monitors were detecting too much stress on the baby, so the midwife chose to perform an assisted delivery with suction. This was a bit scary, as in rare cases applying suction to the head of the child can cause subgaleal hematoma, causing the blood from the brain to pool in the head, effectively ending the life of the child. However, the chances of that were explained as rare and she let us know that she had never failed at successfully delivering a child in this manner.
We proceeded, and though scary, the head of the child soon popped out. She quickly suctioned the nose and mouth (as there were some Meconium issues) and then completed delivery. The body of the child slipped out with relative ease, all compact and not unlike a transformer before you transform it (everything fitting together neatly). Caitlyn instantly cried and flailed her arms, eyes open, with a sort of "Where the fuck am I?" look on her face. On the warmer next to us she was cleaned, though they had to remove her to do more detailed work due to the Meconium having passed while in the uterus.
The baby spent about 5 seconds with Crystal before they rushed her off, and then the Midwife continued delivering the placenta. The placenta looks alot like what you'd imagine a Ziploc™ freezer bag would if it were filled with dark liquid, contained but fluid like.
Here's where things get weird. The placenta came out clean and smooth, passing rather easily. There was blood loss, but nothing unusual, by my estimation. The Midwife continued removing debris from the delivery and massaging Crystal's uterus. Upon inspection, however, the Midwife's expression changed just enough to concern me, and she simply stated "I think we have an inverted uterus."
Most people interchange the terms inverted uterus and retroverted uterus. Before I continue, you should know that an inverted uterus is NOT the same a retroverted uterus, the latter being a reversal of the uterus's position before pregnancy, which is of no real concern. The former is more like a sock being flipped inside out. The inside of the uterus protrudes through the cervix into the vagina, occasionally becoming exposed externally. Unfortunately, the uterine wall is lined with blood vessels, and these continue to actively bleed while the uterus is inverted. The blood loss involved is rapid, and coupled with her level 2 laceration from delivery, required emergency attention.
From what I hear this is rare, how rare I don't know because I can't find any numbers regarding the rarity. Soooo, ipso facto ... let's just say it's rare. One nurse we had said it was only her second, and from what I've read on some medical discussion boards, one doctor stated in the 35 years he had be delivering, he had only seen 20 such incidents. An internet search revealed the line I attached above, but no real detailed information.
At this point, what concerned me the most was the urgency of whatever situation this was, coupled with the fact that blood was still actively flowing from Crystal. Before I knew what hit me, there were people rushing in and out, surgeon's called, anesthesiologists called, OR's prepped, etc. My parents and hers were removed from outside the delivery room, and taken to the waiting room. I myself simply stayed composed and out of the way, which as it turns out was the only reason I was allowed to stay in the room as opposed to joining the others. An OB/GYN was rushed in, and instantly began the process of flipping the uterus right side in. Numerous nurses attached more IV's, and gave Crystal some injections to decrease the flow of blood.
Crystal herself was fine at first, but kind of afraid. Still, the blood loss had her going into shock for a bit. She was pale, eyes rolling, disoriented ... so much so the nurses gave her a couple of slaps to keep her awake. Later on, one student nurse would later comment to us that she was definitely near coding, as in Code Red ... or Blue ... or whatever Code you never want to hear.
Fortunately our outstanding OB/GYN flipped the uterus back into place and the medicine slowed the bleeding. Crystal recalled later that the instant the uterus had been put into place she immediately felt better. Three hours later, once stitched up and cleanded, she was able to finally hold Caitlyn.
I think the OB/GYN said it best this morning. You are able to intellectualize the situation, in that Crystal is ok, and Caitlyn is ok, and everyone is ok. Yet, at the same time we were still very traumatized by the experience. It was in so many ways surreal, knowing that I was as close to losing my love as I ever want to be.
But onto happier times, she and the baby are recovering fine. One more night in the hospital and Friday morning or afternoon we should be out and home again. Just in time to try on Caitlyn's Princess Leia costume (circa Scene 1/Episode 1).
I'm glad so many of you tuned into my posts. I apologize that yesterday wasn't more eventful on the blog... but that usually means it was eventful outside of it. Look forward to seeing her meet you all someday. Then she'll know what kind of people she should be hanging out with.
Then again...
Much love,
Jimmy Crystal and Caitlyn.
Here's a snippet:
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Unimaginable
I mean this in the most sincere way when I say today was both the best and scariest day of my life. My wife and the baby are healthy and happy. The rest I'll talk about when it doesn't bother me so much.
Just for you all, the first picture. Many thanks for your words and kind wishes. Somebody was looking out for us today.
Just for you all, the first picture. Many thanks for your words and kind wishes. Somebody was looking out for us today.
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