WTF 15 - Swine Flu Part 2

Ahh, nothing quite like the breakdown of civilized society. As Porkatosis continues to ravage the western hemisphere, 9/11 style paranoia again graces the streets of America. Nothing sets you up for the 4th of July like a scared American ready to shut down his or her borders to protect themselves from dark people.

Meanwhile, "Patient Zero," as he is lovingly known, sits at home in La Gloria, Mexico, unaware of his inevitable impact on Ben and Jerry's stock portfolio.

In the meantime, even I must admit that the probability of a swine flu outbreak has increased my hermit-tude a little. Something about having a 6-month old child that forces you to be concerned about things you once brushed aside as mere inconveniences.

I'm just saying that you won't find me throwing Caitlyn into a crowd of sneezing children anytime soon. I might have considered it in the past to test her immune system, but I'll probably just keep her home and watch Spongebob. She'll thank me later.

Fortunately, swine flu has managed to take our minds off of the economy for awhile. Personally I'm moving my investments over to pharmaceuticals and surgical masks and away from pork futures, it just seems like the right thing to do.

In other good news, pork spare ribs are buy 1 get 2 free at Albertson's. I'm ready for the 'itis motherfathers! Nothing says fight back like three juicy racks of slow roasted pork ribs slathered in sauce. Hell yeah!

So yeah, fight back by eating pork!

The more we eat = the fewer there are to make out with = swine flu free America.

Later on today I'll be watching Fox News, only to see how they can spin this into somehow being the fault of Barack Obama. My guesses for their reasons why:

• Higher taxes take your money preventing you from buying flu remedies.


• A soft stance on border protection allowed swine flu to cross over unchecked, where it has induced illness and stolen jobs from hardworking Americans.


• Patient Zero, Edgar Hernandez, hails from Mexico, but only recently moved there. He is originally from a pig farm in Portugal where he once herded pigs with his pet dog. Upon further investigation it has been determined that his herding dog was in fact a recently born Portuguese Water Dog adopted by ... you guessed it... Barack Obama. Swine flu came not from Mexico, but straight from the First Dog.


• Patient zero was released from Guantanamo Bay.


• Swine flu backwards is Ulfeniws, the name of Obama's imaginary childhood friend.

So I'll continue my verbal assault on swine flu unabated. It's kill or be killed at this point my tasty friend.

More to come,

Jimmy