FPOD - I know it's two in a row, but I couldn't resist.

And you think you've got problems!

This week is a busy one friends... Christmas is fast approaching, my brother comes into town tomorrow, and it's solid work/play from now until 11pm Christmas Eve. Joy! I'll probably post up a Christmas Card at some point because there's no way in hell I'll be able to mail them at this point, true to form.

More to come, enjoy your Monday night.
Jimmy

Funny Picture of the Day - Why I missed so many questions in chemistry.

Here we are with the Periodic Table of Awesoments. Review it, memorize it, love it. Quiz on Monday.

Any suggestions on what they left out. It seems for the most part complete to me. I'm having a hard time bashing any one particular Awesoment.

Good stuff. Take a quick peek or click on the picture for the full on pic. Try not to get too overwhelmed with awesome.

WTF - Online Chat Assistance

Ok so we were shopping for our Christmas tree (the end result being this beautiful, authentic looking, flocked number, 1640 tips baby!). This last weekend we determined that a tree was necessary, not because Caitlyn is here (because lets face it, she's a baby and she won't remember shit), but because this year Christmas is at our house for Crystal's side of the family. Granted everyone does their own thing on Christmas Day, but for Christmas Eve it's a fun family gathering complete with a traditional southwestern feast unmatched anywhere. So since we'll be playing host to the social event of the season, we need a tree. Mind you we already had a tree, but it's a clearance item I got off the Internet for thirty bucks with no tax and free shipping. Crystal hates it. I think it's campy. It's about six feet tall, pre lit, and has fiber optics as well. It sits on a stand that rotates the tree while playing Christmas music (not the good kind, just the beepy electronic kind).

So anyway, I'm on the website trying to find out our local store hours because we were trying to accomplish all this with our holiday shopping on Sunday. I find the phone number for our local store and notice on the store hours list that it closes at 8pm. I call at 7:40 to find out if, what with the holidays and all, our store has seasonal hours which might have provided us with the time we would need to make the trip and pick up a tree. Much to my chagrin, the automated store answering system picks up and I go through the usual motions of pressing 1, then pressing 1, and then pressing 0. Because we all know it takes a minimum of three useless button presses to find out the most basic of information about a business.





Now where do I transform from a mild mannered whippet to Wendy? (see right, then google Wendy Whippet, I'm not doing the work for you, you lazy bastard)

I'll tell you when! When I jump through the obligatory hoops only to have the phone ring for 2 straight minutes with no answer. "A fluke" I think to myself. So I do it again, with the same sad end result.

Now at this point a friendly little chat window opens up on my screen. Ah yes, the online assistant, ready to help. For the most part I usually believe that these robotic little helpers are simply feeding me scripted answers based on the key words of my questions and responses. I'm still pretty sure this is true, but in this particular instance I was actually chatting with a live human. I know this because I was somewhat irate, and with the gift on anonymity on my side, I was not the least bit afraid to make this known. It all turned out pretty humorous, but remember my name was changed to protect the innocent.

Here is my conversation.... verbatim.

Chat InformationPlease wait for a product specialist to respond.

Chat InformationYou are now chatting with 'Ashley'

Ashley: Welcome to Home Depot. How may I assist you today?

Ricardo: Quick question Ashley... I'm calling my local store and though it is open, nobody is answering the phone. I am very upset about this, and would like some answers. Their number is (575)521-1327

Ashley: What time zone do you reside in?

Ricardo: Mountain.

Ricardo: They close at eight o'clock. I was calling at around seven forty. I just wanted to know their holiday hours.

Ashley: I'm not sure. They close at 8:00 P.M. on Sunday.

Ashley: I do not believe the hours change for the holiday hours.

Ricardo: It's not really a problem, I just don't know why nobody answers the phone during store hours.

Ricardo: If they're open they should answer.

Ashley: I'm sorry but I am not sure.

Ricardo: But apparently they are satisfied with not receiving our business.

Ashley: Again, I apologize for the local store not answering. You may wish to call customer care for local store issues and voice your concern. The number is 800-553-3199, option 5. They are open Monday-Friday from 9:00 A.M. -8:00 P.M Eastern time.

Ricardo: I know it's not your fault but it's a waste of both of our time to be in this situation. Why leave the customer sitting on the phone after pressing 1, then pressing 1, then pressing 0, only to have it ring for two minutes.... just a waste.

Ricardo: I see that customer care is open 9-8, does that mean THEY stop answering the phones at 7:40? If it does let me know now and save me the trouble.

Ashley: As I stated the customer care line is open Monday-Friday, from 9 A.M- 8 P.M. Easter time.

Ricardo: Easter time? Wait, I have to wait until Easter? That's just ridiculous....

Ashley: I'm sorry but I had already stated Eastern time prior. I'm sorry for the spelling error.

Ashley: Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Ricardo: Well, unless you can help me find a Christmas tree at a Home Depot that's open, then no. But thanks for the effort.

Ashley: I'm sorry but I do not have access to local store inventory.

Ashley: I hope you have a happy holiday and take care.

Ricardo: You've been a good sport anyhow, happy holidays Ashley.

Chat InformationChat session has been ended by the product specialist.

So there you go, a little venting can go a long way. And I think I may just develop a fondness for strange complaints to online chat assistance, it makes for good blogging. Anyway, you all take care, and I'll see you soon.

Jimmy

A Week in the Life - Lazyness is next to Godliness... I think that's how it goes.

I could fill you with a veritable mountain of reasons why it's been a week since I've updated. Perhaps I was travelling around the world (I wasn't). Maybe I was sleeping in for seven days straight (more likely). Or maybe, just maybe I was seriously jonesin' for some Cheez-Its™ (we have a winner!). But for whatever reason, c'est la vie.

In all actuality it was an action packed week filled with more excitement than Randy Savage in a dumpster full of Slim-Jims™. The Juarez symphony had it's holiday concert, a quick and painless performance of Tchaikowsky's Nutcracker Suite, plus a couple of pieces we play every year that are always crowd favorites. You'll remember Danzon No.2 by Marquez from the Las Cruces Symphony's performance of the same piece the week before. Aside from that we played Strauss' Radetzky March (with audience participation [see video]), and Offenbach's Orpheo Overture. Offenbach's piece is famous in that you hear it anytime you see someone doing the can-can (yeah, that song).

I've linked them to some YouTube videos of those pieces, I'd embed them, but I fill you up with too much classical music as it is.

In addition, we made it to the mall finally for the ritual that is THE SANTA PHOTO. So there we were in a crowded mall, waiting in line. We made our way up to check out the "mandatory" photo packages - no personal cameras without minimum package purchase mind you. So one 5x7 and 4 wallets = $24.99. Ouch. I can only compare it to the "Free" Child's admission at the travelling circus. Be it Shriner's or Ringling Bros. or Gatti's or whatever, there's always a stack of free child coupons at every convenience store and Chuck e' Cheese's within a 100 mile radius. The catch of course is that when you get to the circus you'll pay close to twenty dollars for an "adult" admission, and then get subsequently wallet-raped by concession prices akin to multiplying the cost of a soggy hot dog at a Yankees game with the cost of a warm shit-beer at a Metallica concert.

What I'm saying is that twenty five dollars is a bit much for a set of photos I can have in an hour from Walgreen's for under fifty cents. But hey, we're new parents, so cha-ching pseudo-Claus... cha-ching.

On Sunday, we were at the company Christmas party. Good food, horrible parking, and some time with friends. My sister was in town with the kiddies, so we spent the afternoon with them at the mall, finishing the evening up with some hot chai at Barnes and Noble.

Yesterday we finally set up our Christmas tree. I'll add some photos later with another holiday post to include Caitlyn's Santa photo (which is so saturated with cute that you can taste it).

So, more to come I assure you, and you won't have to wait very long for it either. Take care and enjoy the week, see you all sooner than later.

Jimmy

P.S. I won't play any video games until I post ... you happy now?

/shakefist

Return of the Spider

Well, you probably remember this post which introduced us to a nice back and forth between a bill collector and a man with a plan. Well it seems the seven-legged spider in question has reared it's ugly head again, this time utilized in a math test by a fan of the spider.

Nice to see that this creative drawing has become a muse for some.

More to come.

A Week in the Life - Brahms, Ravel, and Marquez.

Yes, another symphony week, this time local. I'll be here in the LC playing with the Las Cruces Symphony. The program contiains a great latin flavored piece by Arturo Marquez.

Danzon No. 2:



Followed by some nice romantic Ravel. The French composer excelled at impressionism and his music abounds with rich layers and effects that pull the heart strings. His suit from the ballet Daphnis et Chloé exemplifies his skills. Ravel's own health deteriorated to near breakdown from the amount of work the put in scoring the ballet which utilized a full ballet company, two choruses, and a large orchestra.

Suite from Daphnis et Chloé:



Lastly, the one and only Brahms Violin Concerto. Regarded by may as one of the more beautiful and difficult of the violin concertos, this will be performed by Augustin Hadelich. The concerto was written by Brahms for his friend and violin legend, Joseph Joachim. Augustin Hadelich won the Gold Medal at the Indianapolis Violin Competition in 2006. The competition is, for modern times at least, the bees knees of the violin world. Occurring only every four years, the competition is world reknowned. And since he won.....

His prizes include $30,000 in cash, a 24-carat gold medal, a four-year loan of
the 1683 "ex-Gingold" Stradivarius violin and Tourte bow, a Naxos label compact
disc recording contract, a gold Fleur-de-Lys bow made by Berg Bows and more than
40 concert engagements, including a domestic and international tour.

So he'll be playing on said violin for this weekend's concert. Here's a snippet of his performance in the competition.

Yeah he's pretty good.

So that's my week. I'll squeeze in some more later on.

Best of the Web

Ahh.... so true.

Funny Picture of the Day - I always wondered what was inside these things...

And I always thought it was rolling balls and lasers. Truth be told a great deal of training and specialized breeding goes into each and every one of them.

Cash Cow?....Cash puppy?..... Ok then, Change Gerbil!!!1!!

Bling bling, Motherfather's!!

Awwww yeeeeeah, boooyeeeee. After some careful calculation, it seems that JRTW may turn a profit when it hits its one year anniversary in August of the 09'.

Given gross profit estimations based on fourth quarter advertising revenue results minus production costs, marketing costs, overhead, and labor. Jimmy Rules the World stockholders should see a net yearly profit of....



.33 ¢


Hmm.

Crap.

Does that even buy a stamp still?

Oh well, if you love it, you do it for free right!

Just like your mom!

That's right, that just happened. What are you going to do about it. Nothing is right.

If you want compassion, that was last week. Stay tuned.
Jimmy

Thanksgiving thanks .......... giving.

As is customary this time of year, we give thanks for the things we're grateful for. And for the things that didn't kill us over the last 12 months.

So here goes nothing.

First and foremost, and to nobody's surprise, I am thankful for my beautiful little girl Caitlyn. How she managed to make it into this world is pure amazement every time I think about it. I tend to have a pretty firm grasp on the how's and why's of human existence (a much deeper, long winded conversation I assure you), but there's something about a living thing producing another living thing from scratch that just boggles the mind. There are many ways to describe it: visually, scientifically, spiritually ... but there are no words to truly capture the unexplainable idea that is life.

Secondly, my loving wife Crystal. What can I say, I'm not always the easiest person to be around. Sure, I'm funny from time to time, but when you're around it 24 hours a day, wit and sarcasm can become more of an annoyance. Add to that a schedule of working and performing that has me away from home 16 hours a day on busy weeks. When I am home, my attention is often split between three things:

1. Doing those things that we love to do together: Eating, watching The Office and several other shows you should not be missing, discussion (the nice way to say arguing), raising a child, and our married life which is always more good than bad.


2. Doing those things that I love to do: Playing video games, wasting my virtual life away playing World of Warcraft, carefully honing my blogging abilities on JRTW, and general Internet entertainment (regular and adult).


3. Sleeping.

So needless to say, I could always stand to pay more attention to my wife. As with many husbands and marriages, I tend to take her for granted when in reality, her contribution to my well being merits her being my number one priority. But rest assured when it's all said and done, that underneath it all lies a love for her that, when realized, brings tears to my eyes so easily that I have to purposely avoid thinking about it.

Ok, with those two out of the way, I can abandon heartfelt seriousness for something more palatable for the rest of you.

Thanks to NBC, for filling my TiVo™ every Thursday night with some really great TV shows. My Name is Earl is totally back on track this season after falling a bit off course last year. The Office is continually outstanding, and Kath and Kim is easily the best new comedy anywhere dude. Add to that some 30 Rock goodness, and you're so happy you won't even care about fast forwarding through the commercials.

Thanks to Elwood over at Untitled: Story of my Life for his blog, which is really a treat and should never be missed. It was CJ_ATC (fatherhood in progress) who first pointed me over to the blog and I haven't looked back since. Truth be told, it was my inspiration for starting JRTW, and I'm glad to be a part of his list of distractions. Thanks for making me believe that I could do it too.

Thanks to all of the following cheese flavored snacks: Cheez-it™, Pringles™, Bugles™, Chee-tos™, Chex Mix™, and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish™

Thanks to ALT 0153 for making my trademark references legitimate.

Thanks to my friends for reading my blog, you know who you are. I enjoy that it gives me a chance to talk to you. The years pass quickly and we don't get too many opportunities to visit in person, and as a result it becomes important to find new ways let you all know that your place in our hearts always remains. You're all always in our thoughts here in the LC.

Thanks and no thanks to Facebook and Myspace for both reconnecting and disconnecting my friendships at the same time. Reconnecting me with old friends, some of which I haven't heard from in over a decade, and disconnecting me with friends I would otherwise take the time to visit. Just funny how that all works, and I'm sure it will all make a good book someday.

Thanks of course to other obvious things, like my family, my health, enough to eat, and a roof over our heads. Those are a given for just about anybody who has them.

Everything else ......

Thanks to FOX's continued support of primetime animation, Seth Green and all the things he does. Gracias to Black Friday, Newegg.com, Cornell West, the ongoing war between evolution, intelligent design, and creationism (here's the spoiler, none of them truly know how life began on this planet). Also to John Stewart, Steven Colbert, Bill Maher, Keith Olbermann, and other pundits who don't really tell the news but somehow make more sense than those that do. Thanks to Solace, steak, root beer, cheap gas, funny commercials, Shiner Bock, sequels as good as I want them to be, Google, $5 footlongs, a good scratch, free shipping, toilet reading, bonus vending machine drops, cold when I'm hot, hot when I'm cold, a good gin and tonic, memories of friends lost, Rock Band, The Soup, back rubs, and finding money I had forgotten about.

And I thank whatever higher power makes you feel safe and gives you that special feeling you can't find anywhere else. I don't know that we'll ever truly know what that is, and I'm never 100% sure I believe it's there, but I want to.

Enjoy the weekend and be safe.

Much Love,
Jimmy

A Week in the Life - Thanksgiving and Opera

Well, loyal viewers, again apologies for less frequent postings. I'll try to keep up more using whatever free time I can squeeze in.

This week I'll be playing La Traviata with the Juarez Symphony Orchestra. The third most popular opera in North America, it tells the story of a famous courtesan who falls for the son of a nobleman, after first resisting. At his father's behest she shuns her love so as not to disgrace his family name. In the end of course, love prevails, but it is quickly met with sadness as the courtesan's tuberculosis spells her end. Nothing like love and disease to spice up the holiday weekend, all that and Mexico too!

In addition, I will be playing garbage disposal for a one night only engagement at several houses on Thursday. I've already let the seams out on my pants, and crocheted the elastic from my undergarments into the load bearing portions of my shirts. My wallet is stuffed with carefully folded gallon size freezer bags, and I've blown the dust off of my extra-wide-super-durable cranberry sauce straw. Nothing says Thanksgiving like the puppy-love-makeout sounds you can only get sucking cranberry sauce through a straw.

Caitlyn is doing fine, albeit a bit restless when she doesn't get what she wants (clearly one of her mother's best traits). She is growing every day, but we're fortunate enough to not notice because we're around her all the time. I'd give my Dad skills about an 8.25 out of 10. I'm picking up my fair share of housework, and making sure the wife is fed and watered. But I have dropped the ball a few times in the consideration department. The other day I succeeded in cooking dinner and serving the plates, but while Crystal ate with one hand (baby in the other) I munched away with both hands, only to excuse myself after I had finished, effectively failing to offer to hold the baby so Crystal could enjoy her food.

My bad, lesson learned.

Otherwise it's business as usual this week. Working, performing, eating, and some tireless computer time in between.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will have the pleasure of seeing some of you over the weekend, and I must say I am definitely looking forward to it. By all means drop me a line and I'll speed over your way, baby and all. If I don't get to see you, be safe and cherish the time you have with the one's you love.

Feed me,

Jimmy

VOD - Do I really need to say anything?

Yeah, I'm not really sure how to preface this. It's Sarah Palin, this much I know. She's pretty much looping her dialogue as usual... like so.

"Well, now that I'm back to Alaska, I'm ready to continue servin' the people and running the government. So I'm just going run it as best I can, and serve to the best of my ability. Basically, I'm back in Alaska."

*wink ad nauseum*



Now that's not verbatim or anything, but it's basically the pattern she follows. That being said it's not what she says it's how, where, and JESUS CHRIST WHY she says it.

Keep in mind this is after she pardoned the eligible turkeys this year.




You really just have to love to hate to love to hate her.

And the "Are you fucking serious? Doing an interview in front of a live turkey slaughter 'for fun'" look on the guy behind her isn't too shabby either.

More to come, I promise
Jimmy

P.S. WotLK+Baby+Holidays(Church*Capital=MusicianDemand)= Underrepresentation of Blog

FPOD - Efficient. Simple. Pants-pissingly funny.

Here at Jimmy Rules the World, we value the whole joke (and by we I mean me and the half cup of garlic heart-clogger butter that came with my Papa John's™.

We score whole jokes based on an ultra-complex equation. Taking quantitative scores measured across the globe by a crack team of hilaritologists, we enter these numbers into a series of servers linked with underplayed Playstation 3 systems. Once we apply Euclid's algorithm, the resulting schedule presents us with a near-flawless cross-section of the real world laugh factor for said joke. Comprehensive, thorough, and trusted the world over.

What we look for:

• The substance - how well the dialogue is written.
  
• The delivery - the who of the joke. Were you monotone? Physically animated?
  
• The punchline - not necessarily but most often the funniest part.
  
• Ratio of the snowballing upcurve to the difficulty of execution.
• Acessibility and translatability. Will this joke work internationally? Does the punchline involve me subscribing to your western monotheism?
  
• Lack of agenda based underbelly - is this joke funny because you're trying to prove a point and/or win me to your cause?
• Viral spread - how fast your joke makes it from person to person. If you tell it now, will someone be telling it to you next week/month/year.

Now I'd like to assume that this was all true, because goddammit it sounds really good. But I haven't the time nor the audacity to assume that I'm in any place to judge funny. Like religion, war, history, and American Idol, its all a matter of perspective.

That being said, this is hilarious. Enjoy my friends.

Enemies.... burn in hell you douchenozzles.

As always,
Jimmy


Goodnight!

WTF - Drying your hands away from home.

You know the drill, you're out and about, enjoying a nice steak or depositing a check or two ... when out of the blue your body alerts you that it is now time to head to the WC. A small inconvenience to say the least (abnormally small in some cases). Fast forward a few minutes - adding extra time to ensure you find the stall without the glory hole (unless that's your thing) - and it's time to wash your hands. A bit of unusually cold water, seventeen futile pumps on an empty soap dispenser, and it's off to dry your cold dripping digits and continue your day.

Or so you thought.

You now discover some Inquisition-like manner of torture meant to dry your hands. After twenty or thirty years of life, you are stricken with childlike awe as you gaze upon what must be the T1000 of drying mechanisms. Some strange device sent back from the future to dry your hands - for if left wet, they may go on to lead the human resistance.

Let's start at the beginning.

Here's the primordial ooze of paper towel dispensers. The one your mom and dad used. This is the dispenser that they put in the kitchen of whatever fancy dining establishment you frequent. It's the janitor of paper towel dispensers. You crank, you tear, you dry, you leave. It's the Steve Gutenberg of paper towel dispensers. You loved it in the 80's, and now you wonder where it went, but only because I reminded you to.

Still in use today, ol' cranky here is sure to be as effective as pumping water or jerking off a goat - in that it is repetitive but not without an end result. [see dry hands, fresh water, goat semen]


Now this one is a bit odd, and I've only used one of these once or twice. This is something more along the lines of what you might find in an executive bathroom, or an old country club. Here we have a real towel, actual linen, which loops around this aluminum 8-track cassette of a hand dryer. As it makes its rounds, the towel drys and is ready for another use. Of course, if you should haphazardly cornhole yourself through the Charmin (as we are prone to do when rushed ... or itchy), this fancy linen will ensure that several hours later, some geezer will dry his hands with shit and embarrass himself for the rest of his miserable existence.

Nothing quite like drying your hands on something that makes you want to wash them over again. OCD much?


Another tried and true mechanism here. This aluminum beauty contains cute little folded towels. All locked up and nowhere to go. You can't really knock the technology here. Stacked, shiny, simplistic. The downside here being that empty feeling you get reaching for a towel only to discover an empty hole with a razor sharp edge. The sort of dangerous hole one might find at Andy Dick's gerbil farm. Either way, you will leave with bloody fingers. In addition, if you're like me, it takes about 47 of these paper towels to dry my hands, and they're packed in so tight I rip tiny LSD sized snippets leaving my hand tarred and feathered with 80% post consumer confetti.
At the very least, at least you'll be entertained by the plethora of gang-related engravings. A solemn testament to our violent past.

Sad really. Just ... sad.








Enter this douchenozzle of a dispenser.
Cylindrical, center pulled nonsense. Like the inverted baby wipes of ol', this roll of towels is pulled downward from the center. Utilizing every diametrically opposed force in the wrist, MIT dropouts have developed the first truly legitimate way to induce carpal tunnel. You grab ... pull ... pull harder ... twist ... rock back and forth ... pull a bit more ... and then with one leg against a lime green tile wall you attempt to get them to release. No dice.

45 minutes later, after speed bagging like Rocky on meth, your hands are dry.




Again, we see idiocy in form and function. This 'automatic' dispenser requires you to pull the paper towel down to a point of release, at which point a mechanism cuts the paper towel in cute zig-zaggy lines and leaves 6 inches or so for the next guy (are we still talking about the glory hole?). Two problems here:
1. You must pull down with force so even and accurate that it can only be replicated by trained Shaolin monks. The rest of us will again rip confetti out of this mess until breathing a collective "fuck it" and using our jeans.
2. Whoever designed this knew all along that it didn't work, so much so that there's a little retard-knob on the side, so when you fail - and skip the jeans option - you can turn the knuckle-spraining crank on the side to release more paper. And of course since you have more paper, you are free to repeat the whole process over ad nauseum. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now to the most familiar, I'm sure. Ol' lever pull here is probably the most seen, and the most reliable, at least for the 30 or so days it's under warranty. After that, all bets are off. You'll find broken pull levers, plastic covers that won't stay closed, and the inevitable turbo spring meant to collapse the fingers in the "it's broken" direction with its metric ton of opposing force. Fortunately, since your hands are still soaking wet, the lever usually slips off after half an inch, thus preventing permanent damage. All in all the true beauty here is the transparent cover, meant to inform the staff that supplies are low. Instead, they only serve to mock your pissed-on hands and laugh as you stare toward the floor tile in disappointment, realizing all too late that you have been denied basic inalienable hand-drying rights.




Now we come to my personal favorite. This dolt-proof dispenser relies on one simple motion ... push, push, push. And it comes complete with a giant gray lever lets you know "Hey you wanker! Push here!"

And you do. Quite painless really. But the true magic of this design is that when the dispenser is empty, it improves the overall experience. You see, when the above dispensers are empty, you wallow in self pity, cursing your own existence ... moving your 'going postal' moment a fortnight closer.

With this dispenser, it doubles as an aggression-sponge. You push, and nothing comes out. So you beat the ever-living-shit out of it. You push that little gray lever right through the goddamn wall! And if your hands aren't dry by the time you finish fist-raping this machine ...

you're not trying hard enough.




And speaking of rape. Here we have the worst of the worst. This maniacal device was developed during break time by the Manhattan Project. The theory here being that the little infrared detector will sense your motion and dispense paper towels like pixie dust. But instead, I stand there waving my hands like an idiot trying to trigger the thing. Motion activated my ass!

Unless of course they mean that the drying of my soaking hands is motion activated, because if that's the case, mission accomplished. I just shook 3 ounces of water clear off my fingertips, you assholes!

Nothing says I'm gay like standing in a crowded men's room with 'jazz hands' waving. Meanwhile, that little red K.I.T.T. light mocks my pain. If this robotic piece of shit had a voice, it would be an eternal loop of Satan's laughter.

So, let me get his straight, we can develop forty two million ways to NOT dry my fuckin' hands. But we can't get the electric car right.

Nice. Just great. Real good America.

You know, the 'glory hole' option is starting to look better and better.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy

P.S. Just had to mention 'glory hole' three times in one post. Now somebody owes me lunch.

VOD - Cell Phones and Car Ads

We Will Get There

Ladies and gentlemen, your next President of the United States of America.

For the first time in a long time, I felt very sincerely proud to be an American.

Congratulations, sir.

And goodnight,
Jimmy

R.I.P. Madelyn Dunham

Madelyn Dunham passed away today (Nov. 3rd) at the age of 86 after a long affliction with cancer.
Dunham, as you may or may not know (although the picture probably gave it away) was the maternal grandmother of Barack Obama. In a bittersweet moment, Obama stated, "She was one of those quiet heroes that we have all across America. They're not famous. ... But each and every day they work hard."

Our condolances lie with Barack and the Obama's. Loss is never easy, but always harder when we lose those whom have had great impact on our lives.

Palin as President - Plus the FPOD

Just in case you haven't visited yet, check out Palin as President. They've added continually leading up to tomorrow's election, so now's as good a time as any to check it out for a quick laugh. Thanks go out to Korie for pointing this one out to me. Now give it a click, won'tcha'!

While we're bashing Sarah Palin, which I might add has officially been added as an Olympic sport in 2012. Here's a link to a compendium of articles and news relating to and supporting the idea that Sarah Palin does, in fact, suck.

Palin Sucks

BTW, did I mention that Sarah Palin sucks. Yeah, like a lot. And by Sarah Palin I mean that know-nothing pageant runner-up who likes rape, meth, and birthing ... and by sucks I mean she is completely inadequate and objectionable, not only for the position of Vice President, but pretty much any type of employment other than: telemarketer, NMSU parking enforcer, professional necropheliac, Wal-Mart™ greeter, or the role of Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the View.

Also she sucks.

Jimmy.

A Week in the Life - Blue Light Special

Well, after a long week filled with ups and downs, I am happy to report that some semblance of normality has returned to our home. After a couple days under the bili-lite , Caitlyn was released around 3pm on Saturday afternoon. (Sample baby shown, this pic was most similar to her situation)

Now we're home and working on adjusting her sleep pattern a little. In typical Murphy fashion, she is most lively between the hours of 1-5AM and dead tire between the hours of 6-11AM. This results of course in mom and dad dipping in and out of sleep periodically throughout the night. In reality, it's not that we're in and out of sleep, but rather that we're in some strange sleep "purgatory" if you will; a state which is neither truly asleep nor awake.

Unfortunately the result is that you never really get into a deep sleep, you just don't trust yourself enough. Even when one parent is awake and the other is asleep (i.e. Crystal is feeding her), it's still not enough to be reliable. I find myself falling asleep and waking up every 10-15 minutes freaking out as though I've overslept and late for work.

All that aside, nothing at this point compares to last week's scares. Not to bring that whole fiasco up again, but it's worth noting if only to convey the idea that lack of sleep is fine by me as long as everyone is healthy and happy. I don't need to sleep that much anyway. So all is well ... we're keeping an eye on any jaundice issues (jaundice being the result of too much bilirubin in the blood, hence the blue light), trying to correct the "nipple confusion (right)" caused by her being away from her mother for two days (necessitating bottle feeding), and trying to carry on with lives that were busy pre-Caitlyn. Needless to say, I'm getting to bed slightly earlier than ever before, and my naptime is just as important as hers.

So, without further adieu, I'm off to squeeze some zzzz's and kiss my girls goodnight.

More to come....
Jimmy

Caitlyn Elizabeth Rodriguez

[I'm in and out of wireless availability, so I'll edit later. Sorry for any typos!]
[Ok, edited a little more. Somehow the end of the third paragraph ended up at the end of the last one, my bad]
[Also, CJ_ATC is dead on, the halloween costume is Princess Leia circa Episode VI, Scene 1 - not Episode 1 as previously stated ... I was mistaking real world chronology for plot chronology]

Well, long story long. We're still at the hospital. I'm home for a second before symphony rehearsal so I'll try to tell the story as succinctly as possible.

I'll apologize first for the brevity of my last post, I totally didn't mean to sound so vague.

Anyway, Crystal awoke on Tuesday around 5AM with early labor contractions. We kept them timed and when they dropped to under six minutes, so we decided to head to the hospital around 10AM. Over the weekend we had already been there because there were some preeclampsia fears, though all our lab work has come up negative. While there, her blood pressure was high only while lying down on her back, but nevertheless they decided to go ahead and admit her. The staff didn't feel comfortable letting her go home given the fact that there was no real explanation for the high blood pressure.

After a quick cervix check, it was decided that they would go ahead and induce pregnancy. So at 1:50PM Tuesday they inserted the medication, which induced natural labor over the course of 12 hours.

Sure enough roughly 12 hours later, at 1:00AM Wednesday morning, she was contracting steadily about every 3-5 minutes, sometimes as close as 1 minute apart. The pain of course, was driving her insane, and I can't imagine how any of you women do it. The induction insert was removed, and she continued to contract normally. Around 2AM the baby began pushing fiercely (already positioned head first) downward on her cervix, causing her ridiculous amounts of pain. The only difference was that there were no breaks, just a constant pain more severe than her contractions for about 10-15 minutes. So we called to the nurse's desk to request some medication, to which they happily obliged. The medication greatly reduced the pain, allowed the contractions to continue more relaxed, and gave her and I a couple of 5 minute naps between 2 and 4AM.

Around 6AM, the pain-killer was wearing plenty thin, but by 7AM on Wednesday they were already switching the staff out, and we were just waiting then for the Midwife and the Anesthesiologist. The Anesthesiologist administered the epidural (which we had decided on a long while ago), and 30 minutes later she was numb from the waist down. Relaxed, she slept for a couple of hours, waking only for fluids, labs, and blood pressure checks. Around 11 AM the Midwife checked her dilation, and decided it was time to start pushing. The room was prepped, delivery procedures were given to Crystal and I, and we began.

Labor was incredible. At first, I was rather intent on standing by her side, but as per the Midwife's request, I held one of her legs for a birds eye view of the action. The whole delivery thing wasn't nearly as bad as I though it would be. You're so amazed and intent on making the environment safe and comfortable that you will yourself to be desensitized to the rather graphic nature of the whole thing. Not only that, but with the epidural, I wasn't subject to the probable cacophony of explicatives I had received the night before. Crystal was comfortable and diligent with her breathing and pushing, which you have to do mentally since you cannot feel your muscles.

The top of the head was visible, but as she was pushing the head through the monitors were detecting too much stress on the baby, so the midwife chose to perform an assisted delivery with suction. This was a bit scary, as in rare cases applying suction to the head of the child can cause subgaleal hematoma, causing the blood from the brain to pool in the head, effectively ending the life of the child. However, the chances of that were explained as rare and she let us know that she had never failed at successfully delivering a child in this manner.

We proceeded, and though scary, the head of the child soon popped out. She quickly suctioned the nose and mouth (as there were some Meconium issues) and then completed delivery. The body of the child slipped out with relative ease, all compact and not unlike a transformer before you transform it (everything fitting together neatly). Caitlyn instantly cried and flailed her arms, eyes open, with a sort of "Where the fuck am I?" look on her face. On the warmer next to us she was cleaned, though they had to remove her to do more detailed work due to the Meconium having passed while in the uterus.

The baby spent about 5 seconds with Crystal before they rushed her off, and then the Midwife continued delivering the placenta. The placenta looks alot like what you'd imagine a Ziploc™ freezer bag would if it were filled with dark liquid, contained but fluid like.

Here's where things get weird. The placenta came out clean and smooth, passing rather easily. There was blood loss, but nothing unusual, by my estimation. The Midwife continued removing debris from the delivery and massaging Crystal's uterus. Upon inspection, however, the Midwife's expression changed just enough to concern me, and she simply stated "I think we have an inverted uterus."

Most people interchange the terms inverted uterus and retroverted uterus. Before I continue, you should know that an inverted uterus is NOT the same a retroverted uterus, the latter being a reversal of the uterus's position before pregnancy, which is of no real concern. The former is more like a sock being flipped inside out. The inside of the uterus protrudes through the cervix into the vagina, occasionally becoming exposed externally. Unfortunately, the uterine wall is lined with blood vessels, and these continue to actively bleed while the uterus is inverted. The blood loss involved is rapid, and coupled with her level 2 laceration from delivery, required emergency attention.

From what I hear this is rare, how rare I don't know because I can't find any numbers regarding the rarity. Soooo, ipso facto ... let's just say it's rare. One nurse we had said it was only her second, and from what I've read on some medical discussion boards, one doctor stated in the 35 years he had be delivering, he had only seen 20 such incidents. An internet search revealed the line I attached above, but no real detailed information.

At this point, what concerned me the most was the urgency of whatever situation this was, coupled with the fact that blood was still actively flowing from Crystal. Before I knew what hit me, there were people rushing in and out, surgeon's called, anesthesiologists called, OR's prepped, etc. My parents and hers were removed from outside the delivery room, and taken to the waiting room. I myself simply stayed composed and out of the way, which as it turns out was the only reason I was allowed to stay in the room as opposed to joining the others. An OB/GYN was rushed in, and instantly began the process of flipping the uterus right side in. Numerous nurses attached more IV's, and gave Crystal some injections to decrease the flow of blood.

Crystal herself was fine at first, but kind of afraid. Still, the blood loss had her going into shock for a bit. She was pale, eyes rolling, disoriented ... so much so the nurses gave her a couple of slaps to keep her awake. Later on, one student nurse would later comment to us that she was definitely near coding, as in Code Red ... or Blue ... or whatever Code you never want to hear.

Fortunately our outstanding OB/GYN flipped the uterus back into place and the medicine slowed the bleeding. Crystal recalled later that the instant the uterus had been put into place she immediately felt better. Three hours later, once stitched up and cleanded, she was able to finally hold Caitlyn.

I think the OB/GYN said it best this morning. You are able to intellectualize the situation, in that Crystal is ok, and Caitlyn is ok, and everyone is ok. Yet, at the same time we were still very traumatized by the experience. It was in so many ways surreal, knowing that I was as close to losing my love as I ever want to be.

But onto happier times, she and the baby are recovering fine. One more night in the hospital and Friday morning or afternoon we should be out and home again. Just in time to try on Caitlyn's Princess Leia costume (circa Scene 1/Episode 1).

I'm glad so many of you tuned into my posts. I apologize that yesterday wasn't more eventful on the blog... but that usually means it was eventful outside of it. Look forward to seeing her meet you all someday. Then she'll know what kind of people she should be hanging out with.

Then again...

Much love,
Jimmy Crystal and Caitlyn.


Here's a snippet:

Unimaginable

I mean this in the most sincere way when I say today was both the best and scariest day of my life. My wife and the baby are healthy and happy. The rest I'll talk about when it doesn't bother me so much.

Just for you all, the first picture. Many thanks for your words and kind wishes. Somebody was looking out for us today.

On a side note....

I apologize for the flurry of McCain supported advertising on my blog. It drives me nuts, but at the same time I suppose clicking on them as an Obama supporter would have a positive effect, given that the McCain campaign has to pay for it. So it's a small inconvenience. I've redundantly added an Obama site link, since I know you are all well aware of who you're voting for and where/when/how to vote.

Again, thank you for your time.

Jimmy

VOTE OBAMA!!!!

Baby Update #6 - Smooooooooooth

Ok, time to be serious. The epidural is in, and now it's just a matter of waiting. Ideally, the most painful part is over, which is outstanding. The new shift of nurses is in, and the midwife should be here between 8 or 9 AM. At that point, they'll determine dilation and then hopefully we'll have a more solid ETA. If she's around 4cm dilated, it averages about 1cm per hour after that, with 10 being the magic number I believe. So I'm hoping noonish or two in the afternoon at the latest. I'm pretty sure we might even see ourselves overnight again, so I'm not getting my hopes up too much in terms of being home again. The good news is that post delivery, the stream of family/friends should be constant enough to make this room warm and inviting. And she'll have someone to keep her company so I don't miss my Las Cruces Symphony rehearsal tonight.

I tell ya, any more delays and this will be game five of the World Series.

Baby Update #5 - Dawn of the Dead .... Tired

Well, the night has been long, and for the woman in the bed it's been unbearably long. As she approaches her second day of labor pains her intermediate pain medication is wearing thin. With luck, the morning will bring the necessary dilation, and subsequently the necessary epidural, followed by the necessary baby.

While it pales exponentially in comparison, my night was pretty sleepless too. Easy work though, a sip of water here, a friendly voice there.

Well, the nurse is here, fixing the monitoring equipment for what must be the seventh or eighth time. I know they're busy, but considering the reason they kept us here was to monitor her blood pressure, it's a tiny bit disconcerting to know that the monitoring equipment was at one point or another:

1. Shut off.
2. Not turned on.
3. Not connected.
4. Not attached right.
5. Not loaded with paper.
6. Not printing.
7. Not picking up a reading.
8. Jamming, i.e. paper ... not strawberry.

That being said, it's a far far greater thing they do, than I have ever done.
I think that's from Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, don't hold me to that.

Ahh, what's this? Nurses? I.V.'s? Anesthesiologists?


Here we go!

The Blog is Profitable

Bling bling, Motherfather's!!

Awwww yeeeeeah, boooyeeeee. After some careful calculation, it seems that JRTW may turn a profit when it hits its one year anniversary in August of the 09'.

Given gross profit estimations based on fourth quarter advertising revenue results minus production costs, marketing costs, overhead, and labor. Jimmy Rules the World stockholders should see a net yearly profit of....



.33 ¢


Hmm.

Crap.

Does that even buy a stamp still?

Oh well, if you love it, you do it for free right!

Just like your mom!

That's right, that just happened. What are you going to do about it. Nothing is right.

If you want compassion, that was last week. Stay tuned.
Jimmy

Baby Update #4 - Spicing up the Benign

Alas, the walls are closing in. Fortunately, only five more hours to go until we move on to progressing labor overnight. And by fortunately, I mean it's good for the labor process, and excruciatingly painful for her. Fear not, my love, the epidural is on the horizon!

Right now, watching House, then Fringe, then whatever....

Her dinner consisted of the following: 2 little cups of grape juice, Incredibland™ brand chicken broth, a cup of tea, and hospital-grade orange gelatin dessert.

TV is basic cable, and it makes me miss TiVo. The inability to fast forward through McCain's divisive propaganda is making me contract. I start to break out in cold sweat, my fists are clenched, and I mumble "obamaobamaobama" until the pain goes away. Which is hopefully November 4th.

Well, friends, this is baby update number four, and probably the last for the night. Not to say I won't post later but it will probably have some relevance unrelated to sitting in this hospital room. I will spare you from the monotony we're currently experiencing.

Until we meet again....

Baby Update #3 - The Fellowship Leaves the Shire

Stopped by the house real quick to pick up some stuff to entertain myself. Sixteen hours in a hospital is not exactly my cup of tea, albeit Crystal will have a much worse time than I will. Nevertheless, a magazine or Nintendo DS couldn't hurt. As it is, the connection at that hospital is flaky at best. More updates to come, and hopefully a picture or two.

By the by, these entertaining baby instructions are from the book Safe Baby Handling Tips by David and Kelly Sopp. Very entertaining indeed, and a great gift for any expecting moms and dads. It's not a hint, just a recommendation. I know we're not the only ones with a baby on the way.

Baby Update #2 - The Long Road Ahead

Well, we're here and admitted at Memorial Medical Center, Room 219, working on getting this baby stuff going. Right now the Mrs. is enjoying a club sandwich and some fruit whilst I attempt to connect to a random assortment of low-signal unsecured connections. Labor is pretty early on, but they're keeping a close eye on her blood pressure so we're here for the long run. She has been "implanted" with some new age cervix-blaster, meant to progressively increase the strength and frequency of the contractions at a normal, healthy rate. This process could take up to 12 hours, so we're already settling in to stay the night. Around 1AM, they'll probably switch her to some induction medicine. From there, we're looking at delivery on or around 7AM MST, which means around 6 in the morning for Elwood and the West Coasters (same for you Arizona, since you refuse to see the light on this whole daylight savings thing). Y'all in the District will probably see some action around 9 in the a.m. Either way, enjoy your afternoons and evenings, watch some House, and keep tuning in for the latest baby action ... or inaction.

Baby Update #1 - The Awakening

Contractions coming at about 6 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds to 1 minute. We're pretty much prepping for the hospital visit. Camera batteries charged, clothes packed, car seat installed. News available as it comes.

Oh yeah, still don't have a middle name yet.

This Woman is What's Wrong With America

I'm sorry to bring this to your attention, but it's pretty much my civic duty at this point. I love my old home town of Alamogordo, but after this and the burning of Harry Potter books a few years ago, it's time to move on. Above you see Marcia Stirman, who ran in 2006 for a position as Magistrate Court Judge. Below you'll find an article from the Associated Press about a letter she wrote to the editor of the Alamogordo Daily News in response to a previous submission "Why I'm a Democrat". I apologize sincerely on behalf of everyone from Alamogordo for this woman, and I hope everyone realizes that things were not always like this.

By Tim Korte, of the Associated Press:

ALBUQUERQUE - The chairwoman of an Otero County Republican women's group on Tuesday defended a letter to the editor in which she wrote, ''I believe Muslims are our enemies.''

Marcia Stirman, a 56-year-old interior decorator, also called Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama ''a Muslim socialist.''

A national Islamic group expressed outrage over Stirman's letter and called on state and national Republican Party officials to repudiate the publication of ''anti-Muslim comments.''

''Because these hate-filled remarks were made by a prominent Republican, it is incumbent on state and national GOP officials to repudiate her divisive and intolerant views,'' said Nihad Awad, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations.

Officials with the Republican Party of New Mexico had no immediate comment.

The letter ran Tuesday in the Alamogordo Daily News. It was titled ''Why I'm a Republican'' and listed 16 reasons for her party affiliation.

The list ends with Stirman saying Obama is ''a Muslim socialist.'' She also wrote, ''I believe war is a fact of life and we should always win.''

Stirman told The Associated Press in a telephone interview that she was surprised by reaction to her letter, which she said included support from all over the country. She wrote it after the newspaper recently published another reader's letter titled ''Why I'm a Democrat.''

Asked for a response to Awad's concerns, she said of Muslims: ''I don't trust them at all.

They've sworn across the world that they are our enemies. Why we're trying to elect one is beside me.''

Obama's Kenyan father was Muslim, but Obama grew up in a Christian family. Although he has professed his Christianity repeatedly and explained how his Christian faith shapes his politics, he has battled Internet-fueled rumors throughout the campaign that he is Muslim.

Stirman said she carefully considered what she wrote in the letter, refused to apologize and defended her right to express her views.

''I still have freedom of speech and an opinion. If the Islamic group doesn't like it, well, I don't like what's going on in their camp, either,'' Stirman said.

In case you're wondering exactly what her letter said, here it is verbatim:

I read in today's paper what a woman wrote explaining why she's a Democrat. Let me tell you why I'm not. I'm a Republican because:

I believe in a sovereign God who sometimes gives us what we deserve.

I believe Muslims are our enemies.

I believe in life. A baby is not just a fetus, but a living being no matter where it resides.

I believe there is a good reason for the death penalty.

I believe in fiscal responsibility, for the government and for us.

I believe the government is way too big and rife with greed and corruption.

I believe in the truth. People believe lies because it's much easier than finding the truth.

I believe in personal responsibility. That includes spanking your children.

I believe American women should raise their own children and American men should be men enough to pay for children they've produced.

I believe a man and woman make marriage. Period.

I believe in America first and foremost and we ought to take care of our own people, our own land, and illegal aliens should go home.

I believe in guns and knowing how to use them properly.

I believe war is a fact of life and we should always win.

I believe in lower taxes. I know how to spend money better than Congress any day

I believe in voter ID.

I believe there is a moderate and a socialist in this election. I agree with a two-party system, but Obama isn't a messiah or a democrat.

He's a Muslim socialist.


Marcia Stirman, Alamogordo
From the Alamogordo Daily News

This has got to stop, Obama needs to win if only to put real change into action. Not even politically, but at the very least ethnically. I'm all for freedom of speech, but bigotry and racism based solely on the fact that this woman is too stubborn to educate herself out of her own ignorance... fuck that, and fuck you Marcia Stirman! GO TIGERS!!!! How's that for freedom of speech, bitches!

WTF - Over-evolved Technology

There was a time, not too long ago, when technology could be summed up in one word or a small explanation. You would plug the thing in, turn it on, and it would do what it was meant to do ... nothing more, nothing less.

For example, the Microwave. Put food in, press a button, food gets hot (pending the presence of moisture), burn roof of mouth, eat food.

Or maybe the CD player. Insert disc, push play, remove disc, blow on it, wipe off spit, insert disc, close lid, close lid, slam lid, close lid, push play, shout explicative, listen to radio.

Ok, let's try the phone, plug in phone cord, dial, talk. There, at least that one was easy, in fact, you don't even have to plug it in, in the good ol' days the phone drew its power from the line.

My point is this, one device, one purpose, end of story. No extraneous features, and if you had it and it was dependable, your need for anything further was eliminated. But something happened along the way. Some lazy nerds, and by lazy I mean they didn't want to invent something of their own, decided the best way to market increasing numbers of these devices would be to meld them into one device. Like chocolate and peanut butter, some tastes taste great together.

Sounds great in theory, right? Who doesn't mind that the microwave has a little clock that also lets you know what time it is ... simple enough, eh? And what's the harm in the phone identifying who is calling so you can elect to ignore the call? Or better yet - to show my age - let the machine get it. And the CD player, how about letting it play tapes, and instead of one CD, maybe 5 or 6, to eliminate the need for switching out the damned things every 52 minutes? All good questions IMHO.

But where did we go wrong?

The magic of technology, while meant to save us time, seems instead to whisk it away faster than ever. We are living in an age where our most adapted inventions have outgrown their purpose. Our cell phones are more apt to be utilized for everything but phone calls, the laptop has its own remote control, and the phrase "I have dial-up" seems to elicit more sympathy than "I have chlamydia".

The phone plays MP3s, connects to the net, can e-mail, fax, take pictures, record audio, recognize my voice, assign one of several million ringtones (which are caller-specific), play video games, give me driving and/or walking directions, act as a walkie-talkie, alarm clock, calculator, stopwatch, tip calculator, currency converter, monitor world time, my time, your time, address books, contacts, call logs, text messages, picture messages, video messages, shiatsu messages, accepts SD memory, headphones, bluetooth headsets, car chargers, wall chargers, solar chargers, San Diego Chargers, and about 43 billion other things I haven't the time nor wherewithall to mention

and yet...
it can't make a freakin' phone call!!!

Why, after all this hyper-gadgetry, can we not make the thing connect consistently to the network and provide the clarity and volume necessary to be considered - by even the most forgiving of us - reliable?

My Xbox 360 can stream Netflix video, I can purchase an almost unlimited library of vintage games, movies, tv shows, and content that boggles the mind. It connects to the net to access my Windows Messenger, and I can manage my Xbox Live account through my computer. I can stream music and video from a computer across the house and listen/watch on the TV. The wireless controllers work through walls, so I can play from the mailbox in the event I'm stranded outside of my house.

Yet somehow after three months of use I have to send it to be replaced, like an estimated 30% of 360 owners, simply because the insides melted like some crazy expensive snowman.



Really, lets just take it all down one peg. Make my phone work, my games play, my software load, and my TV watchable. That's a start.

As for you, microwave, I still love you.