WTF! - The Old Switcheroo

The 2nd in this weeks series of television related rants.

If there's one thing we've learned these past few months, it's that what's old is new again. From grassroots presidents to the Not So Great Depression, Americans everywhere are experiencing a rebirth of ideas.

What we have on television is, instead, an afterbirth of ideas.

Again this particular take on the degrading quality of television has nothing at all to do with actual programming, which for the most part has taken stride with a happy medium of sitcoms, drama, and reality tv. Nay, this declaration involves advertising once more. Today's subject, the old switcheroo.

Here's a comedic taste of what I speak of by our beloved Farley.

Just golden, rest in peace my chubby friend.

Anyway, back to business. This particular skit mocks a popular advertising tool from the time, swapping out real brewed coffee for instant coffee crystals. Hidden cameras revealing that normal everyday people can't tell the difference. The clever little bastards behind the scenes reveal themselves and everybody has a good laugh. Farley notwithstanding, it's a cute trick that exploits the assumed power of assumption. In that half of believing something to be is not knowing there's a chance it isn't.

On a side not, I'm almost positive that somewhere somebody just defended a masters thesis on this concept ... a testament to my wasted genius.



So, again back to bad marketing. And by bad I mean Pastamania bad. Don't know? I think you can figure it out for yourself.

So in today's day and age what do we get for our marketing dollar? The same old bullshit, with the clean fresh 21st century smell of Febreeze™.

Only this time it's Pizza Hut. Purveyors of gimmick pizza after gimmick pizza (i.e. The 14-cheese 2-layer chicken wing lasagna pizza bordered by cheese-filled chocolate-dipped tear-n-share bread sticks with buffalo ranch dipping sauce).

Yes Pizza Hut is regurgitating the ads of old. Taking unsuspecting everyday people and replacing the shitty pasta they ordered with an entirely different shitty pasta transported from all points foreign. Enter the viewer, in a staged upscale dining establishment.

Now far be it for me to say that when you're opening an "upscale" restaurant you should probably spice up the menu beyond say... two dishes with the culinary complexity of a bread sandwich, but that's neither here nor there.

Ok, whatever, pasta at a pizza place. Feign excitement, roll eyes, continue watching The Office.

Now, I'm ok with the repetitive advertising, as there have been at least two to three tangible generations born and raised with no concept of the concept. It happens all the time I know, as do you, for I'm sure you as well as I have watched most of our beloved childhood toys re-released. And what's worse re-released, politically corrected, modernized, and mass-produced as though they were collectible before they were imagined on paper.

I don't want a neon green water gun. When I'm squirting water at my wife-beating step father I want the satisfaction of imagining I'm actually killing him. Neon green does not a weapon make. I want a jet black water gun molded from the same mold as the 9mm pistol the cops will inevitably kill me with after mistaking my water gun for an actual gun. If you want to rob a vending maching and don't want the cops shooting you, paint your own gun green!*

*It should be noted that the cops may still shoot you based on ethnicity, fashion, or neighborhood. This chance is multiplied by one order of magnitude for every jelly doughnut in your possession at the time. Also, Jimmy Rules the World in no way supports the use of fake weapons as real weapons. Opinions in this blog are solely those of Jimmy and should in no way be misconstrued as the opinions of Jimmy, Jimmy Rules the World, or it's parent companies or subsidiaries. All rights reserved. Not valid in AK or HI. See rules for details.

But I digress!!!

This isn't about me this is about shitty advertising. The old switcheroo as it were. I was willing to take it once but not a second time. And what do we get from Pizza Hut?

"The Natural"

Please sweet Jesus not again.

So here we are watching some douche of a chef preparing a fancy-ass pizza with "all natural" ingredients. Only to surprise an unsuspecting room of even douchey-er people with mouths agape at the concept that the pizza they've eaten came from a restuarant and not from an actress in chef's clothing.

Last time I checked the utilization of a chef was the only way for a restaurant chain to mass produce a dish. Do you think this shit just falls out of the air? Pizza Hut no doubt has dozens of people researching recipes and cooking full time, looking for that new gimmick or local favorite to rip-off. Even if the idea is simply ripped from pop culture, like The Natural, it still requires months of work to streamline for mass production and marketing. Why so shocked you moron, a shitty pizza is a shitty pizza, be it from a staged cooking show or a staged pizza delivery. It's all fake, get used to it. Cut, wrap, print.

And another thing! Thanks for reiterating the fact that every Pizza Hut pizza I've ever eaten was the polar opposite of "natural".

Natural pepperoni? What the fuck was in the original pepperoni? Newspaper clippings and old gym mats (bonus points for the reference).

Wow, tomato sauce made from tomatoes. Unreal!

And that whole grain crust. Bread made from whole grain wheat? Holy shit, stop the presses!

And the cheese? Actual mozzarella!! I'll be damned!

Well butter my butt and call me bread. Pizza Hut... you've almost made a pizza.

Now stop while your ahead.


Again, thank you and goodnight.
Jimmy.

P.S. Next month at Pizza Hut for $11.99. Oh yeah, they'll make it look like a large in the commercials but it's really a medium.

WTF - Pretentious Cat Food!

Ok, ladies and gentlemen, birthday week is over. Back to business. And by business I mean bitching about things I have neither the resources nor wherewithal to change.

So here we are in the first of a series of television related rants. I felt the need to split these up seeing as how I can't seem to make enough time in the day to publish a nice long juicy post. Couple that with the fact that each of these little TV nuisances provides me with a full day's worth of frustration, nudging me ever-closer to spending the remainder of my days with just my wife, my baby, and my computer; relinquishing myself from the indentured servitude of commercial and/or pay television. Anyway, on with the show.

FYI, the trademarks (i.e. ™) were gumming up the works, so they're omitted. I'd appreciate it if the two of you still reading this blog would be so kind as to not report my infringement.

Now here's a small test for you.

Which of these delectable meals was manufactured for cats, and which one was manufactured for human consumption.




Answer: The food item on the left is cat food... on the right is risotto primavera.


My point being this, at which point did we decide that our cats should eat better than we do? Are they not prone to tongue-bathing their own asses? Do they not mate like rabid furr-banshees, making noises akin to a stuck pig in salt water? How did the cat go from the preferred "I can leave it home by itself" animal, to the Mooby of pets?
Don't ask him. He doesn't know.

Now I'm all for good pet nutrition. I've bought my fair share of Free Range Organic Hill's Science-Diet where applicable to any given pet. I can appreciate the complexity necessary to balance a diet of hair, white dog shit, and small Peruvian lizards.

But lavish and extravagant vittles for an animal who'd kill it's own mother to grasp laser light? It just doesn't add up.

Why in this day and age is there still a vast global famine, yet we feel compelled to dish up restaurant quality meals for ol' Boots here?

It's not to say that I can't appreciate cats, or the need to spoil them like children. But it all has a sort of Douglas Adams stink to it, in that someday, when it's all said and done and we're on the brink of Armageddon. The cats will leave us with a nice "so long, and thanks for all the fish".

Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just being jealous.
After all, I eat goddamn Chef Boyardee. No! Scratch that. I eat whatever bastardized version of Chef Boyardee I can afford at Wal-Mart for 97¢ a can. And it sucks. But it's cheap, and you can survive off of it. In fact, it's probably closer to actual cat food than that hoity-toity bullshit pictured above.

Christ, I just can't take it anymore.



The real crotch-kicker here is that I love cats!?!! So the only people left to blame are the money-grubbing bastards at Purina. It's like they're preying on little old ladies who have personified their pets to the point of Waterford Crystal collars and self-scooping robotic litter boxes. So knock it off Purina! Leave the exploitation of the elderly to organized religion, the Hoveround, and CBS.


Jimmy out!

P.S. Next time: The ol' switcheroo! For now, a souffle.




Oh yeah.

That's right.

It's cat food.....