I’m up...

I’m up, so what better to do than write.  No worrying about what tomorrow holds, or late night snacking.  Just writing.  I always feel like there’s a great deal to say but no simple way of funneling it efficiently into clear thought.  There’s anecdotes and opinions just swirling around my head like 5 dollar bills in a used car lot cash grab, and me flailing my aging arms about trying to grasp cohesiveness…

…and then out of blue comes clarity, and I realize once again that I’ve managed, somehow, to sum up my very existence in a single metaphorical sentence.

And then I’m stuck again.  Shit.

Forget the past, I say, for today is a new day.  I suppose that’s more fortune cookie than actual insight, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Many a day has gone by confidently nurturing the spawn into her own identity, gazing at infinite pixels (be they work or play), and music, such wonderful music.  I live in a world where all I want every day is another six hours, because there’s always either something I need to do, or something I long to do, and never time for both.

Life as you know it is in full swing.  The usual combination of busy workweeks, multiple symphony concerts, school and family leaves little time for the frivolity of surfing the net.  Yet I reminisce always about a time when there was little else to do.  I suppose it is all about prioritization.  And while I can’t say my priorities aren’t straight, that doesn’t mean I can’t shave a minute or two off each segment of my day to better communicate with those around me, right?

Right.

1 Washer, 1 Brick, 10 Questions.

Go ahead and watch, I'll list follow up questions below.....



I'm not sure what you're asking, but I'm curious...

• Was this perpetrated by the Maytag repair man?
• How many kittens were in that washer?
• Did anyone consult Julio Dominguez, the gardener, prior to establishing the shooting locale?
• Is this the same technology Scientologists use to puppet Tom Cruise when he's being interviewed about Katie Holmes?
• Given his relatively short height, is there a possibility they simply threw Michael J. Fox into an unplugged appliance?
• Why does my piece of shit washer do the same thing when tasked with a bundle of wet socks?
• It there any possibility that the washer will return to life with a witty sense of humor, just to co-star with Ally Sheedy and Steve Guttenberg in an off-the-wall 80's comedy?
• Is this an early prototype of the Large Hadron Collider?
• How does this simple exercise so perfectly emulate the nightmares of my childhood?
• Doesn't it look like somebody opened fire on a Pee Wee's Playhouse cast member?

More to come, have a great day!

Jimmy

Stuck

Ugh, sitting at work today and my server is down.  This means I have work to do and no means to finish it. 

Nothing like forced procrastination, which is exactly what I don't need, since I'm perfectly good at procrastinating on my own.  Its like having a bacon eating assistant, I simply don't need one.

So what's new? Charlie Rangel is in hot water for some shady funding deals and disclosure violations.  His response, "I can't make an excuse for serious violations, but I can have an explanation of my intent ... and to large degree that's what my life has been all about -- intent."

Well, if everything in this world were based off of our intent and not our action, let me be the first to say the following:

• I've just completed my doctorate.
• I'm financially stable, with plenty saved up for retirement.
• I practice violin every day without fail, leaving plenty of time for vigorous aerobic exercise, playtime with my daughter, and a few pleasant moments with my wife.

The reality is that no matter our intent, our actions do tend to define us.  We can mold some of the intent-excuse-reasoning framework in order to provide perspective to our situation.  However, at the end of the day we are each most responsible for our own actions, and the way those actions affect others' perspective of ourselves.

More to come, time to see if my server is up....

Have a great day!

Jimmy

In the News Today

Today's hot story:

(CNN) -- Germany will beat Argentina in Saturday's World Cup quarter-final, at least if an octopus called Paul is to be believed.  And if you're unsure whether to accept the word of an eight-legged sea creature, Paul has form. The octopus, who lives at an aquarium in Germany, has correctly predicted all four results of that country's games in the tournament, according to staff.
Before Sunday's game against England Paul needed just eight seconds to make up his mind, but in view of the tougher challenge that Diego Maradona's side will pose Germany, he took over an hour to decide, suggesting it could go to extra-time or even penalties.

Staff at Sea Life in Oberhausen, western Germany, help Paul make his prediction by lowering into his tank two boxes of food, one carrying a German flag and the other bearing that of their opponents. The case he opens first is adjudged to be his predicted winner.  The octopus correctly predicted Germany would beat Ghana and Australia in their Group D matches, but he disagreed with land-based pundits by tipping Serbia in their match. They went on to win 1-0.

And even though Paul was born in England, he went against his roots to predict Germany's emphatic last-16 rout of his own country.

Paul will be following the rest of the World Cup closely, a Sea Life spokesman told CNN, and will make more predictions as the tournament reaches its climax.

But before you blow your savings on Paul's tips be warned: Most bookmakers have Argentina as favorites on Saturday, and Paul's success rate for the European Championships in 2008 was only 80 percent.

So there you have it.  An octopus choosing the winner of Germany's world cup matches.  What they don't tell you is this: that octopus' owner is Rudolph Mengele, nephew of Holocaust "death angel" and all around douchenozzle Josef Mengele.

That's right, my friends, that poor fellow slinking around randomly choosing world cup teams is really BERTHOLD EPSTEIN! Former pediatrician/assistant, now destined to live out his days a slimy invertebrate, the result of Mengele's medical experiments gone wrong. 

Oh, the horror...

But really, I guess I'm pulling for Argentina... don't really care.  Also Maradona's kind of a pompous ass.

A Day in the Life - AT-AT style...

Most of my experience with the AT-AT can be summed up in the first act of The Empire Strikes Back.  Looming on the horizon, these leathargic death dealers emphasized fear over function.  Moving at a snails pace, and focusing all their offense to the bow, they were wonderous to view as a child, and mostly an impractical concept as an adult.

But how could one forget the childhood desire to own the action figure?  There it was in all its molded plastic glory, mocking my poverty.  Damn you Kenner, you rat bastards!

Here's a fresh take on the concept, and a great one at that.



And for what it's worth, we had a Rancor.  Suck on that, shattered childhood Christmas wishes!

7 Fortnights, give or take a day….

Well, fuck.  Could I have waited any longer to update this stupid ass blog?  I think not.  For days and weeks, every night started out the same.  “Tonight, I’m going to write,” I’d say.

To the right: This 3-month old fetus helps represent my laziness in lumpy, abortable form.  My laziness being abortable, not the fetus… unless that’s your choice… in which case have at it….

Did it happen, of course not.  Why?  I’ll tell you why.  I wake up, work, and come home same as most.  When I walk through the door, there’s Caitlyn just hanging out.  She sees me and her eyes light up and from there its pretty much over.  We play, we read, we eat dinner, and then she’s off to bed.  Once she’s down for the night, I steal a couple of hours to myself, and by this time, my strong intent has faded into fleeting desire.  After catching up with the Ms. and taking in the latest TV, Internet, and gaming offerings, I’m often so asleep that I don’t have time to regret my decision.

Wash, rinse, repeat.  The next day I’m at work before I realize I’m not asleep anymore.

Sprinkle in a few symphony concerts and an active extended-family social schedule, and there’s not a whole lot of time left for the little things in life.  Still, it’s just been far too long, and I’m not going to let this thing dry up.  Use it or lose it, as the saying goes.

So enough caterwauling about health care, there’s so much more to discuss.  For one, I need a new banner, this one’s getting old.  I’d also like to maybe start a podcast every once in a great while, too.  Let’s just say my dreams exceed my potential here… but who knows, right?

So as I sit here, mostly nude, in front of my lonely monitor drinking Orange Crush (good song) at 12:00 am on the 1st of July… game on!

-Jimmy

Health Care Reform – My Two Cents

FYI, I’m staying up way to late for this, so excuse grammatical/spelling errors.  Also, no cutesy pictures, all business this time.  Thanks for your time.

Anonymous Posting from 4Chan, some grammatical errors corrected…(Thanks for the initial link Mardelle):

“This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy.   I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility.  After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautic and Space Administration.  I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.  On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.
After work, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to a house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log onto the internet, which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how Socialism in medicine is bad because the government can’t do anything right.”

Before I get into the topic, let me first say that I don’t think I’ve ever seen something polarize the country quite like HCR.  I’ve been on this planet some 33 years, enough to appreciate the Cold War, war in the Middle East, and countless debates about abortion, gay rights, and immigration.  While people on both sides of those discourses can be volatile and passionate about their position, rarely did one forget that we’re all Americans at the end of the day.  HCR has brought to light the best and, unfortunately, worst in people.  That being said, believe what you will.  I’d like to think my take on things is as worthy as the next, but I acknowledge that at the end of the day, you’re probably still going to feel the way you do, and that’s what makes you who you are.  Perfectly fine.  No judgment here.

Let’s review the bill in summary, in case you haven’t had a chance to review it, with my take on each point following (aggregated from CBSnews.com).

Cost:
$940 billion over ten years.


This number is big, even by liberal standards.  I would like to remind you, however, that the wars in the Middle East will soon hit 1 trillion dollars.  If the GOP, and Americans to boot, can accept the Bush administration’s catastrophe of a war and its seemingly infinite price tag, I can damn well let Obama spend less on a more tangible chance at change and social evolution.  Also, it’s been only 7 years, almost to the day, since Bush declared war on Iraq.  So which is the lesser evil, 1 trillion over seven years at the cost of thousands of young American’s lives, or 1 trillion over ten years to save thousands of American lives?  I lean toward the latter for now.


Deficit:
Would reduce the deficit by $143 billion over the first ten years. That is an updated CBO (Congressional Budget Office) estimate. Their first preliminary estimate said it would reduce the deficit by $130 billion over ten years. Would reduce the deficit by $1.2 trillion dollars in the second ten years.


Basically, the idea here is that once our federally mandated health care is in place for a decade or so, we should start reaping the benefits of preventative health care.  So an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, to the 10th degree.
What many of us don’t seem to realize is that we’re paying for some form universal health care one way or another.  It’s one of those unavoidable truths, in that you can’t make something out of nothing.  When you’re sick and have to go to the hospital, they must provide care to anyone in dire need, if said hospital receives federal funds.  The shortfall is usually covered by the hospital, but made up through increased procedure fees and thus higher premiums for those who are insured.  Higher premiums make being insured more difficult to those with lower incomes, whom go uninsured and repeat the cycle ad nauseum.
If health care is mandated and subsidized for those with lower incomes, everyone should see a reduction in actual costs of care, and preventative care will reduce lifetime healthcare costs countrywide, reversing the cycle in a mutually beneficial fashion.  Insurers won’t need to charge excessive premiums, as preventative care will reduce the enormous payouts necessary to treat diseases not detected early, maintaining their profit margins.  Again, theoretically win/win.


Coverage:
Would expand coverage to 32 million Americans who are currently uninsured.


Ding, ding! We have a winner.  Look around you, and you’ll find someone close to you who works hard, is employed, does not burden society, but does not earn enough to close the gap between living wage and ability to purchase sufficient health insurance.
I’ve been inundated the past few days watching pundits and friends pound their chests over what they believe is clear socialism.  Since when did “shit” stop being the “S” word?  I don’t take a socialism, or give a socialism, or tell you to eat socialism and die, do I? 
Of course, the loudest voices are usually the most uninformed.  Let’s get one thing straight, you have to be making a pretty copious amount of money for your taxes to be substantially affected.  I understand that you may need to adjust your quality of life somewhat in order to increase the quality of life for your fellow man ten fold, but suck it up.  You don’t have to like it, but you’ve got plenty of time to adjust, and in the meantime you don’t have to worry about being homeless or going bankrupt from an illness you can’t afford.  And it’s strange that so many  Christian conservatives are up in arms about distribution of wealth (guised under the “baby killer” agenda).  Christianity at its core is far more socialist than capitalist.  Buy yourself some human decency you greedy bastard!  Your smug sense of entitlement is only eclipsed by your desire to maintain the status quo… consequently perpetuating your smug sense of entitlement.  Wrap your head around that Rockefeller.

Health Insurance Exchanges:
The uninsured and self-employed would be able to purchase insurance through state-based exchanges with subsidies available to individuals and families with income between the 133 percent and 400 percent of poverty level.
Separate exchanges would be created for small businesses to purchase coverage -- effective 2014.
Funding available to states to establish exchanges within one year of enactment and until January 1, 2015.


Basically, Health Insurance Exchanges are meant to pool those who would normally have to seek individual coverage (which is nightmarish if you’ve ever looked into the costs associated with this).  So instead of a risk pool of 1, you would then have a large risk pool which would then reduce premiums for all.  An as yet undetermined agency would ensure that companies offering plans to said risk pool still meet the minimum mandated coverage guidelines.  There is some real risk in that multiple insurer options may create risk-pools that are not large enough to reduce premiums sufficiently, and many of the ins and outs of exchanges have yet to be determined.  I’ll be keeping my eye on this portion of the bill, which could have a dramatic effect on the overall success of the plan.

Subsidies:
Individuals and families who make between 100 percent - 400 percent of the Federal Poverty Level (FPL) and want to purchase their own health insurance on an exchange are eligible for subsidies. They cannot be eligible for Medicare, Medicaid and cannot be covered by an employer. Eligible buyers receive premium credits and there is a cap for how much they have to contribute to their premiums on a sliding scale.
Federal Poverty Level for family of four is $22,050


Once again, if you come from a low SES (socio-economic status), and must seek individual coverage, and cannot be insured through existing programs available to you, you can then qualify for a subsidy to offset the costs associated with purchasing insurance.  Your monthly premium will be based on a percentage of your annual income, and there will be proportional tax credits available to assist with the premiums incurred by lower income individuals and families.


Paying for the Plan:
Medicare Payroll tax on investment income -- Starting in 2012, the Medicare Payroll Tax will be expanded to include unearned income. That will be a 3.8 percent tax on investment income for families making more than $250,000 per year ($200,000 for individuals).


So a tax on unearned income is essentially a capital gains tax.  If you’re making a shit-ton of money from a source that isn’t your job, it’s going to get taxed if your income is over a quarter of a million dollars for families, and $200,000 dollars for individuals.  Likewise, higher income families and individuals would see a higher Medicare tax on wages.  Again, you can’t make something from nothing, and increased health care coverage for those of lower SES (Socio-economic Status) doesn’t happen for free.  There is no way to sugar coat this for you.  But if you’re making so much goddamn money, how is this a problem for you?  Do you want fuckin’ Bizarro Robin Hood to swoop in and rob from the poor to give to the rich?  Wake the fuck up and take your medicine which, by the way, you can readily afford.  You live in a country whose fundamental wealth came through the exploitation of the working man/slave, and your  ethnicity has either propelled or inhibited your SES creating huge disproportion between rich and poor along those lines.  Now, we’re slowly working toward equity.  Equity is not equality.  Equity means we have to take from one end of the spectrum to balance the scales on the other.  It’s common fucking sense and if you can’t get that through your gold plated skull you can eat shit an die (because if you were poor, and ate shit, you would die, because you don’t have health care, because some rich douche doesn’t want you to, the end).


Excise Tax -- Beginning in 2018, insurance companies will pay a 40 percent excise tax on so-called "Cadillac" high-end insurance plans worth over $27,500 for families ($10,200 for individuals). Dental and vision plans are exempt and will not be counted in the total cost of a family's plan.


Another tax aimed a reducing the deficit, and the primary tax leading to the deficit reduction for the 1st 10 years, is the Excise tax.  This tax hits home a bit more, as it will most likely affect those middle class citizens making between 100,000 and 200,000 dollars a year, whom enjoy premium health care plans. While a good portion of the excise tax is aimed directly at insurance companies, a large chunk will unfortunately come from said work force.  It will more than likely appear in the form of increased Medicare, income, and Social Security taxes.  I think this tax could be more narrowly focused in an increased amount for a smaller percentage of Americans, perhaps those closer to the $500,000 – $1,000,000 per year mark.  $100,000 is not what it used to be, especially for those living in major metropolitan areas, and on the east/west coasts.  That being said, there exists an abundance of lower cost-of-living areas in this great country, and you have the means at those income levels to move anywhere you like, and the time and foresight to adjust your current situation accordingly if you believe that this tax increase will make or break you.  The hope here is, though, that companies will avoid these expensive “Cadillac” plans, decreasing costs, which will in turn increase workers income, offsetting the people’s share of the excise tax.  Time will tell.  And speaking of time, this portion was delayed until 2018 to appease the main opponent to the increased tax… the labor unions whom enjoy most of the benefit of “Cadillac” insurance plans.

Tanning Tax -- 10 percent excise tax on indoor tanning services.


This is a no-brainer.  You tan, you get cancer, you cost the rest of us a shitload of money.  So if you tan, you pay a higher tax for it, to offset the projected cost of your inevitable treatment, onset by your need to bronze.  Tanning in UV beds is counterintuitive to human survival.  And who does this hurt, I say no one.  The small tanning business owner? Fuck em’. To quote a favorite of mine, “Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!.” You’re selling an elective service that kills, same as alcohol and tobacco, so you’re going to pay same as alcohol and tobacco. And yes, FYI, I would support a junk food tax, and my fat ass would gladly pay it.  I loves me some Munchos®.  FYI, this was originally going to be a tax on all elective surgeries (translation: purely cosmetic surgery), but was axed.  Not sure why, but I’d say it’s because there’s far less likelihood that your nose job is going to lead to chronic illness.

Medicare:
Closes the Medicare prescription drug "donut hole" by 2020. Seniors who hit the donut hole by 2010 will receive a $250 rebate.
Beginning in 2011, seniors in the gap will receive a 50 percent discount on brand name drugs. The bill also includes $500 billion in Medicare cuts over the next decade.


When covered by Medicare, there’s large gap between those prescription drugs that are covered 75% by Medicare, and those covered 95% by Medicare, to the tune of roughly $3400. In that $3400 span no costs are covered by Medicare.  This part of the bill will provide some instant relief, and will eventually eliminate this gap.  The cuts to Medicare will help offset the cost of increasing the prescription drug benefit, and are more squarely aimed at the over-billing triggered most often by lucrative medical “specialists,” including excessive CTI and imaging costs.

Medicaid:
Expands Medicaid to include 133 percent of federal poverty level which is $29,327 for a family of four.
Requires states to expand Medicaid to include childless adults starting in 2014.
Federal Government pays 100 percent of costs for covering newly eligible individuals through 2016.


So, finally, you can qualify for Medicaid based on income alone.  Let’s first keep in mind that if you’re making minimum wage at a full time job, you’re only pulling about 15 grand a year, before taxes.  FPL is currently just under about 11 thousand dollars, so tag on a third and you almost there.  We can all agree that minimum wage is hardly a living wage, especially if you are providing for a family, so this is a welcome change.  And now that you can qualify without children, we can avoid the deliberate procreation currently being practiced by many in need.  Trust me, it happens all the time.  More kids = more income + still qualify for benefits.  The 100 percent cost coverage will help in the transition period from no-coverage to coverage with co-pay/premium, hopefully preventing the deliberate relapse into lower SES so commonly associated with welfare. 

Illegal immigrants are not eligible for Medicaid.


This was added to appease the border-conscious, although anyone who does their homework will tell you that illegal immigrants contribute more to our economy than they ever take.  But still, you can’t ignore the illegality of being in the US without citizenship.  This will be addressed later this year as immigration-reform moves closer to the forefront.  Illegal immigrants need a clear, affordable path to citizenship, and we are sacrificing billions of tax dollars by condemning their presence here.  It’s good old fashioned racism at its finest.  Illegal immigrants are profiled as a detriment to society, when the reality is that most are extremely driven, hard working individuals, many with close ties to friends/relatives who are US citizens.  Are we so far removed from 100 years ago, when our towns and roads connected us seamlessly with our ancestors from the South?  Our failing war on drugs coupled with our ridiculous fear of terrorism has made our southern border a prime political battleground, and everyone is losing because of it.  We’re all fucking human beings, they’re here, they’re working, and they’ve never taken my job, or yours.  Make em’ legal, collect taxes, pass Go, collect $200.  Allow a grace period before Medicaid benefits become available, so they can put some money into the pot before drawing from it.

Insurance Reforms:
Six months after enactment, insurance companies could no longer denying children coverage based on a preexisting condition.
Starting in 2014, insurance companies cannot deny coverage to anyone with preexisting conditions.
Insurance companies must allow children to stay on their parent's insurance plans until age 26th.


All very common sense and agreed on by both parties in droves, but 4 years is a long time to wait for preexisting condition coverage.  It will take time, however, for insurance companies to adjust their premium  and co-pay schemes against the potential risk-pool created by adding the newly insured.


Abortion:
The bill segregates private insurance premium funds from taxpayer funds. Individuals would have to pay for abortion coverage by making two separate payments, private funds would have to be kept in a separate account from federal and taxpayer funds.
No health care plan would be required to offer abortion coverage. States could pass legislation choosing to opt out of offering abortion coverage through the exchange.
**Separately, anti-abortion Democrats worked out language with the White House on an executive order that would state that no federal funds can be used to pay for abortions except in the case of rape, incest or health of the mother.


Again, not perfect for everybody, but a necessary concession to a country diametrically opposed on abortion.  Abortion is rarely entered into lightly, but if a no-federal-funds condition is necessary to maintain the availability of the option, I’ll take that any day.  It’s a free country, do what you will.  There are consequences for everything and everyone, I’ll deal with mine, you deal with yours, mind your own fucking business.  People live and die everyday in ridiculous, stupid, and unnecessary ways, so really, nobody gives a shit who terminates a pregnancy where or why, and don’t presuppose to, just move on.  We’ll all answer to the deity of our choice, or we won’t, nobody knows.  Anyway, this is a much larger issue than I’m in the mood to tackle, so I won’t wax poetic here.

Individual Mandate:
In 2014, everyone must purchase health insurance or face a $695 annual fine. There are some exceptions for low-income people.


Once more, free country, your choice, your consequence.  If you want to avoid health insurance, you’re going to pay said fee so Taxpayer X doesn’t have to fund your negligence when your addiction to Munchos® leads to adult onset diabetes.

Employer Mandate:
Technically, there is no employer mandate. Employers with more than 50 employees must provide health insurance or pay a fine of $2000 per worker each year if any worker receives federal subsidies to purchase health insurance. Fines applied to entire number of employees minus some allowances.

Nuff said, if you employ people, you can pay the fee, or you can provide the coverage.



Immigration:
Illegal immigrants will not be allowed to buy health insurance in the exchanges -- even if they pay completely with their own money.

See immigration above.


And that’s about it, friends.  What more can I say.  I get it, you work hard, you earn money, and you don’t want it taken from you without good cause.  If the government cannot provide you a substantial reason, you’re going to disagree with coughing up the money you’ve earned.  But the picture is so much greater than you or I.  Yes, there are lazy abusers milking the system.  But somewhere closer than you think, someone is working as hard as they can for a better life for themselves and/or their children, if only on the most basic of levels.  And if I can contribute a little more to ensure he/she remains healthy and lives to see that reality, I cannot wait for the government to take what I earn.  Because, like all of us, I’m too much of a greedy asshole to give it up on my own.


Good night and good luck.


Jimmy.


“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday, and I love today”

– William Allen White

WTF – Infomercials

For the last in my series of television related rants, I have chosen to unleash my oft abated fury on the infomercial.  It is not to say that I have a problem with infomercials, as they are a necessary evil and allow struggling affiliates and cable networks to reap the benefits off-peak-hours advertising.  However, as they say, the devil is in the details. 

  And who doesn't like an infomercial anyway?  Their cheesy hosts, the compensated studio audience, and the beautiful myriad of gadgets you can't possibly survive without ... until five minutes after the program is over.   They’re an American institution, and an oft marginalized beacon of Capitalism.  They bring the magic of the flea market hard sell to the boob tube.

Some of our best inventions have come to us by way of the infomercial.  What could be more iconic than the Chia Pet, the George Foreman Grill, or the Ronco Food Dehydrator.  Nothing says love like spreading muddy seeds on a clay base with a poorly glazed sheep's head.  Who wouldn’t like to “knock the fat”, out of an otherwise juicy and delicious hamburger?  And where would we all be without delicious fruit roll-ups made from strawberry jam, the all natural nutrition and pure goodness of dried fruit, or the lumberjack convenience of homemade beef jerky.

That's right, hold the phone, you can make jerky at home.  Could life be any better?

But wait, you're depressed with no direction in life?  Shucks, nothing a little Tony Robbins can't fix.  Top notch motivational speaking from a guy who looks like the girlfriend stealing douche from every 80’s movie.  Nice DeLorean asshole…

Thanks but no thanks, I’ll deal with my inner demons on my own.  For now, I’ll try to poison the little fucker’s with a steady stream of Jack Daniels and Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburgers.  Which is good segue to…

Fat?

No worries my tubby friend.  Drop your French fry and jump on Tony Little's Gazelle. 

True story time… I almost met an untimely death losing control of one of these fuckers sitting on the back patio of my parents house.  Do not, if you value your life the slightest bit, get on a Gazelle.

Better yet, hit up Chuck Norris' Total Gym. 

Speaking of Chuck Norris… (better fire up the JRTW Rimshot Monkey™ for this one)…

 

I hear that Chuck Norris is so strong, Volkswagens lift him to prove their strength.

I hear Chuck Norris is so tough, he shits sideways.

Hmm... one more...

Every time Chuck Norris ejaculates, a third world country suffers a natural disaster.

Thank you! Don’t forget to tip your waitress…I’ll be here all week…try the veal.

I'm sure I could go on for hours about the Chuck and/or the pseudo-benefits of the gadgetry of years past.  But this is not about then, this is about now.

And what do we get for our hard earned American dollar these days?

First, there's the ShamWow.  A magic little towel that holds 4 billion times it's own weight in water.  I recently read in Popular Mechanics that this little towel does in fact work as intended.  In their tests it sucked the cola right out of the carpet, and without the clever edit we see in the commercials.  From what I could tell they liked it, but felt is was better to dab than to rub, as it had a rough texture to it.

Little. Yellow. Different. Better.

My problem lies not with the product.  My problem lies with the former Tilt-a-Whirl operator they've now hired to hock this thing county fair style, Vince Offer (born Offer Shlomi).  With his best Sammy Davis Jr. impression, this lazy-eyed psycho is at best the meth-addled incarnation of Billy Mays and at worst... well, himself.  Although I guess now we know that Billy Mays was himself meth-addled, so it's kind of a moot point.

Fun Fact! - Coroners used OxyClean to sanitize the autopsy table after his death.

But I digress, apparently no one on set has ever heard of a boom mic so Schlomi here has to use a first generation Bluetooth headset to communicate with us.  Secondly, sweet merciful Jesus what is with that eye?  Thirdly I don't give a rat's ass what Olympic divers use to dry themselves off with, I only care about when and where they hit their heads and if they're HIV positive or not.  I'm looking at you Louganis!

And now Mr. Offer has moved to the Slap Chop.  The little gadget with the ninja name.  If I had a little person in my employ, I'd seriously dress him up in a dogi and call him Slap Chop.  I'd pay him to jump out at my guests at random intervals like a tiny Bruce Lee.

The Slap Chop is endearing in it's ability to whip up tiny mounds of pico de gallo faster than you ever thought possible.  It slices and dices, and chops onions WITH the skin on mind you! I haven't been able to chop up anything with the skin on since that incident with the Vegas stripper summer of 03.  FYI, it is true, what happens in Vegas, stays in the Glad ForceFlex bag behind the dumpster at CVS. 

What's better is the whole kit'n'caboodle opens up butterfly style for easy cleaning.  Somehow...sadly… also like the incident with the Vegas stripper.  Moving on.

So we sit there having our ears unapologetically raped by "Vince", to the point of ordering the damn thing in the hopes it will shut him up.  But no, it won't.  You’ll just cry yourself to sleep eating ice cream, like every other night… only this time with freshly chopped nuts.

Moving on....

It used to be the campy things in infomercials that I liked. The cheeseball audience, the ridiculous testimonials that were nothing short of poorly staged, it all had a very silly feel that made them ever so slightly funny.

Now I can't say really when it happened, but somewhere along the line infomercials discovered this as well.  So now they're playing to the cheese.  Deliberate cheese! Forced cheese, like an Easy Cheese enema. 

Now I'm all for camp. I dig it. It butters my bread. But intentional campiness is like Christian metal, it simply cannot exist.  If you're doing it on purpose, it's not camp.  If you're rocking about the lord, well my friend, you're simply not rocking at all.  And if you are truly rocking, you don't pimp a genre.

I recently saw an infomercial that didn't even have it's own paid audience. Instead it had a pre-recorded studio audience edited in.  That is something so inconceivably  artificial that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around it.  And what's worse, is was some infomercial audience from 20 years ago, with clear delineation in audio/video quality.  Deliberate cheese.

There used to be a few big names... Ron Popeil, Jack Lalane, Anthony Robinson.  Now every douche bag with a British accent need only latch on to the first fly by night time saver to make it big in the infomercial world.  I miss the good ol’ days when we'd simply light the hood of a car on fire and wipe our concerns away.  What do we get now, a thousand bucks courtesy of the "Magic Jack" stimulus package.  Personally, I'm only a few certified Obama silver dollars short of insanity.

Before long, we'll see infomercials re-enacting infomercials using clips of other infomercials.  We’ll be fed and re-fed parts of infomercials we’ve already seen come and go, a mishmash of digested parts, like those which inevitably led to mad cow disease.  But instead of it causing insanity in cows, it will lobotomize the brains of countless at home drones, waiting with open-wallets and empty closets, longing to be filled with regurgitated junk.

 

I don't mind crap products marketed to my weakened, inattentive mind in the middle of the night, with the crass authority one can only attain with high volume and a cockney accent.  But put some Goddamn effort into it!  I like my useless programming with some production value, even if it's a bunch of useless big dick pills being hocked by Ron Jeremy himself. 

And that's that.  TV, you're officially off the hook for awhile.

That’ll do Hedgehog…. that’ll do.

Coming to Syfy: 'Sharktopus!' (pics) -- The Live Feed | THR

Coming to Syfy: 'Sharktopus!' (pics) -- The Live Feed | THR

At first I was taken aback a bit, what with finally coming to terms with the fact that the Liger is an actual animal.

Couple that with the existence of dragons, and it's alot to comprehend in a days work.

And the BAM! The fuckin' Sharktopus, coming soon to SyFy. Better warm up Adobe After Effects, it's going to be a long night.

Check this bitch out!

Sharktopus = no bones... all balls™ (please make out all royalty checks to JRTW).

Half shark, half octopus, it's Sharktopus!

Yes!: RC Millennium Falcon Becomes Reality - Geekologie

Yes!: RC Millennium Falcon Becomes Reality - Geekologie

Finally, been waiting 33 years for a place to store my Han Solo and Chewbacca figurines.

That is, besides up George Lucas' ass for botching the prequels.

Treasure trail...

All things considered, there's a time to re-think posting suggestive images on the Internet. While that time has yet to come for me, it still makes checking the comments on my blog from work a bit more dangerous than it would usually be.

So, in everyone's best interest, allow me to post a random series of safe-for-work images, if only to strategically push more objectionable content lower on the page.

In other news, I didn't miss much over the last few months in regards to Sarah Palin. Fortunately for me, she's been hammering nails in her own coffin while I've been away, saving me the trouble of proofreading my stream of thought regarding the extent to which she personifies everything that's wrong with the GOP.

Of course, that doesn't mean she won't get hers, I just need to throw something together.


Getting ready for Valentine's Day, which means a whole lot of nothing balloons and candy wise. But Valentine's Day does resurrect some fond memories, allow me to elaborate.

Crystal and I began dating right around Valentine's day 8 years ago. I remember it like it were yesterday plus 8 years.

I had been in El Paso that night at the Olive Garden having dinner with Terry, Sarah, her roommates and a few other friends for her birthday (I think it's on February 15th, but don't hold me to that).

Once we had finished dinner, I returned to Las Cruces and met up with some co-workers from Peter Piper Pizza who were throwing a party that night as well. From that point forward... well, that's for another time.

Also, on Valentines Day 2008, Crystal found out she was pregnant with a very tiny Caitlyn. Which was a damned good coincidence since we named her Caitlyn anyway. Here we are, an amazing two years later.

This weekend I'll be playing a chamber orchestra concert at the Rio Grande theater. We're performing Mozart's 40th Symphony, and the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto. The 40th was Mozart's second to last symphony and one of, if not, his most well known. The Mendelssohn Concerto is amazing, and harder than it sounds. Feel free to click on the links for a taste via YouTube.

Tonight it's dinner with the folks and catching the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. I'll try not to get killed hurling myself off of the luge track, but no guarantees (these HDTV's make you feel like you're really there). Tomorrow I'll be in rehearsals during the day and out for dinner and a show at night. Sunday brings a violin lesson to teach and a concert in the afternoon.

Stay tuned for something a little more humorous and less life-updatey over the weekend.

Ok, I think this should suffice, cute pictures wise.

Time to wrap things up here.

Forgive any errors for the remainder of the day, I'll correct shit when I'm home and able (done, I think). The spacing on my posts when I send them through here ends up all screwy in the final product.

Watch Zombieland if you haven't already, great fuckin' movie.

Peace.

Love.

Rainbows and Unicorns.

Jimmy

P.S. USA! USA!

Also, that whole dying on the luge thing... tragic. I'm not sure in whose book lining the track with roof support beams seems like a good idea, but it's not mine.

Todd and the Bulge

So as it were:

Basically, uploaded the completed shot, only to have it removed.

Yet another reason to manage a blog. Nobody censoring my poorly chopped homoerotic photo here!

You really must love the internet. The last bastion of true freedom!

So without adieu, Todd and the Bulge.

A Week in the Life - Day 2 – Movin’ on up.

Today marked yet another milestone in the JRTW reboot, as I physically moved the computer to a more prevalent location.

Basically, everything was located in the bedroom. It seemed like a good idea at the time, since it kept me close by the bed. But I came to the quick realization that my late night shenanigans were quite the distraction for Caitlyn. It didn’t seem possible, but it turns out she’s more of a computer junkie than I am. I can’t count on all 21 of my digits the number of times she’s shoved me out of the way en route to the desktop and/or laptop. She’s equally handy (deadly) with a mouse. And while this chokes me up with nerdy pride, the habit doesn’t lend itself to a good night’s sleep… for any of us.

And so it came to be, that more often than not I would find myself sitting in the living room, watching TV or playing with Caitlyn, until bedtime came rolling around. As the official crapshoot of parenthood, bedtime yields mixed results. Some nights bedtime is quick and painless,and others nights are best described as un-sanctioned MMA bouts. Nothing strains the heart strings like having to choke out at 15 month old child, but all the same… it’s cheaper than pay-per-view.

Moving on. So there I am, waiting for the little one to go off to sleep, at which point I now have the remainder of the evening to myself. This golden opportunity leaves me with roughly an hour online to ration out as I see fit. Most nights, I’m simply catching up on emails, social networking, and the like. Occasionally, there’s the funny video or a quick level or two of a flash based game. And rarely there’s a tempting pseudo-login to World of Warcraft (*sniff*). Of course, a night would not be complete without a visit from our old friend… porn.

But JRTW sat there and waited patiently. Every day I’d come home with every intention of working on the blog. But motivation gave way to routine, and routine was quick to inform me that by the time I would have the opportunity to post, I'd have neither the time nor the consciousness necessary.

Now, the comp rests peacefully in the living room, in plain sight and eager to augment my reality. I must say, it feels pretty damn good.

As always, more to come.

Jimmy

It's time.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away... I disappeared.

While unfortunate at the time it was necessary. Life simply wasn't permitting me the time or energy to devote myself to writing. As with life in general, one situation after another presented itself before me, longing for priority and solution. Coupled with a general lack of inspiration, the only realistic solution for me was to remove myself temporarily from a life that dictated I be online 3 hours a day.

I could rattle off the reasons why, but they're not your concern, nor are they so ominous as to require mention outside of this sentence. But as things have settled in to a groove, or as close to a groove I'll let them, the time has come to reapply myself here.

I truly love this time I have, with my words and my friends, and have spent time lost finding new and glorious topics yearning for that sarcastic brand of cynicism I'm only more than happy to provide. Between late night wars, Obama's first year, Glenn Beck, underwear bombs and our old friend swine flu, there's a lot of work ahead.

So a quick recap, the little one is now one year and 3 months old. What can I say? Of course I'm a bit biased, but being her father has been the most wonderful experience of my life. It's a difficult thing to comprehend if you haven't experienced it, but there's something awe inspiring about it. Every day there's a spark in her eye, and the next thing you know she's saying or doing something you never believed possible at that age. It's really quite amazing.

Work is finally settling down. The last quarter of 2009 proved to be very busy, but I've made some changes which will ensure the 2010 goes a whole lot smoother. The result should be less stress and less mental exhaustion after work. Music is music, still always playing. I enjoyed a bit of a break for the last two weeks of January, but otherwise I was booked pretty solid from Thanksgiving forward. Now we're back into the swing of things with concerts this weekend and next with the LCSO.

So there you are.

As for JRTW, expect a little more fucking profanity. I find myself all too often over analyzing the audience I'm writing for, and it has a habit of derailing my train of thought. So no more of that shit, what comes out is what you get. Certain ideas can only be truly expressed with the added panache only rampant swearing can provide. It's an art form, damn it! If you don't like it, let me know and maybe I'll insert a motherf*cking asterisk or two, if you're good. If I inadvertently hurt your feelings, please watch the video to be cheered up.

If that doesn't work... I can't help you.