Thursday, July 1, 2010

In the News Today

Today's hot story:



(CNN) -- Germany will beat Argentina in Saturday's World Cup quarter-final, at least if an octopus called Paul is to be believed.  And if you're unsure whether to accept the word of an eight-legged sea creature, Paul has form. The octopus, who lives at an aquarium in Germany, has correctly predicted all four results of that country's games in the tournament, according to staff.
Before Sunday's game against England Paul needed just eight seconds to make up his mind, but in view of the tougher challenge that Diego Maradona's side will pose Germany, he took over an hour to decide, suggesting it could go to extra-time or even penalties.

Staff at Sea Life in Oberhausen, western Germany, help Paul make his prediction by lowering into his tank two boxes of food, one carrying a German flag and the other bearing that of their opponents. The case he opens first is adjudged to be his predicted winner.  The octopus correctly predicted Germany would beat Ghana and Australia in their Group D matches, but he disagreed with land-based pundits by tipping Serbia in their match. They went on to win 1-0.

And even though Paul was born in England, he went against his roots to predict Germany's emphatic last-16 rout of his own country.

Paul will be following the rest of the World Cup closely, a Sea Life spokesman told CNN, and will make more predictions as the tournament reaches its climax.

But before you blow your savings on Paul's tips be warned: Most bookmakers have Argentina as favorites on Saturday, and Paul's success rate for the European Championships in 2008 was only 80 percent.
So there you have it.  An octopus choosing the winner of Germany's world cup matches.  What they don't tell you is this: that octopus' owner is Rudolph Mengele, nephew of Holocaust "death angel" and all around douchenozzle Josef Mengele.

That's right, my friends, that poor fellow slinking around randomly choosing world cup teams is really BERTHOLD EPSTEIN! Former pediatrician/assistant, now destined to live out his days a slimy invertebrate, the result of Mengele's medical experiments gone wrong. 

Oh, the horror...

But really, I guess I'm pulling for Argentina... don't really care.  Also Maradona's kind of a pompous ass.

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