WTF 15 - Swine Flu Part 2

Ahh, nothing quite like the breakdown of civilized society. As Porkatosis continues to ravage the western hemisphere, 9/11 style paranoia again graces the streets of America. Nothing sets you up for the 4th of July like a scared American ready to shut down his or her borders to protect themselves from dark people.

Meanwhile, "Patient Zero," as he is lovingly known, sits at home in La Gloria, Mexico, unaware of his inevitable impact on Ben and Jerry's stock portfolio.

In the meantime, even I must admit that the probability of a swine flu outbreak has increased my hermit-tude a little. Something about having a 6-month old child that forces you to be concerned about things you once brushed aside as mere inconveniences.

I'm just saying that you won't find me throwing Caitlyn into a crowd of sneezing children anytime soon. I might have considered it in the past to test her immune system, but I'll probably just keep her home and watch Spongebob. She'll thank me later.

Fortunately, swine flu has managed to take our minds off of the economy for awhile. Personally I'm moving my investments over to pharmaceuticals and surgical masks and away from pork futures, it just seems like the right thing to do.

In other good news, pork spare ribs are buy 1 get 2 free at Albertson's. I'm ready for the 'itis motherfathers! Nothing says fight back like three juicy racks of slow roasted pork ribs slathered in sauce. Hell yeah!

So yeah, fight back by eating pork!

The more we eat = the fewer there are to make out with = swine flu free America.

Later on today I'll be watching Fox News, only to see how they can spin this into somehow being the fault of Barack Obama. My guesses for their reasons why:

• Higher taxes take your money preventing you from buying flu remedies.


• A soft stance on border protection allowed swine flu to cross over unchecked, where it has induced illness and stolen jobs from hardworking Americans.


• Patient Zero, Edgar Hernandez, hails from Mexico, but only recently moved there. He is originally from a pig farm in Portugal where he once herded pigs with his pet dog. Upon further investigation it has been determined that his herding dog was in fact a recently born Portuguese Water Dog adopted by ... you guessed it... Barack Obama. Swine flu came not from Mexico, but straight from the First Dog.


• Patient zero was released from Guantanamo Bay.


• Swine flu backwards is Ulfeniws, the name of Obama's imaginary childhood friend.

So I'll continue my verbal assault on swine flu unabated. It's kill or be killed at this point my tasty friend.

More to come,

Jimmy

In case you didn't notice.

New page header. Figured you were tired of the initial shock of my head on a naked body. This one's a little less personal. It's a bit evil for my taste, because I'm really only that evil on the inside. We'll see how she goes.

Once I link the image online it should be a bit larger.

WTF 14 - Swine Flu

Well, nothing says we're all going to die like a nice swine flu epidemic. It's been way too long since we were impacted by some random animal-transmitted disease. Used to be every other week we were swarmed by Africanized honey bees, tormented by avian flu, or making our death beds with the Hantavirus.

But time passed and man soon forgot that his relationship with the animal kingdom is 80% delicious, and 20% super fucking deadly.

And by 20% I mean 10% from eating a steady diet of bacon and 10% from the swine flu that will ravage your immune system, and eventually you'll end up as a dotless marker on a long forgotten Google maps epidemic tracking page.

Curious, click HERE!

Now I'm all for death by bacon ingestion. Sounds great. And who's to say that you can't just get rid of the old artery, grab one from the leg, and send that bitch upstairs. Lo and behold, you're back at Wendy's the next week chomping on the Baconator™. You just have to love science.

What I don't like are these animal related diseases. What the hell did we claw our way to the top of the food chain for only to be taken out by French kissing a pig. Hell, if I had known French kissing a pig was going to kill me someday, I'd have left the beer goggles at home years ago. And Swine Flu? Can't we come up with something a little more elaborate than Swine Flu? Swine Flu is like half a step above calling it Pig Sick. "Yup, poor Clamentine done bought the big one on account'uh the Pig Sick. Yeh caint be swoonin' over dem hogs like you used to could."

Let's make it a little more interesting... call it:

• Porcine Influenza
• Bacon Fever
• Porkatosis
  
• Wilbur's Revenge
• Mad Sow Disease
• Pigletitus: The Reckoning
• PAIDS

See, it's easy. A properly named disease will incite fear in all but the most cynical of bloggers.

So good luck surviving the latest animal related disease!

Stay tuned for the poultry induced rheumatoid arthritis... Chicken Fingers.

Or Veal Parmaseanorrhea, Duck L'Orange You Glad You Didn't Die of Swine Flu, and my personal favorite... Burgerpes.

Here's to hoping the vegetables don't turn on us again,

Jimmy

A Week in the Life 19 - Rising From the Ashes

Ahh, good ol' blog. Long time no see.

After a lovely weekend, I return for another week of musical goodness. Last Saturday was spent in Juarez, Mexico playing Scheherazade by Rimsky-Korsikov. Sunday was an off day, spent enjoying an otherwise uneventful day with Caitlyn and Crystal. We just vegged out all day and watched the NBA playoffs and Sunday night FOX animation. Here's a quick clip of the piece performed by the Moscow Symphony.



This week is the final concert for the Las Cruces Symphony's 08-09 season. The highlight of this coming weekend's performance will be Stravinsky's Firebird Suite. Haven't played that piece in over a decade so I'm looking forward to playing it again. Here's a rare video of Stravinsky himself conducting the piece.




So again you may see me only intermittently, as I'll be busy juggling the goodness that is life. Other than work and symphony, there's the usual school which is wrapping up next week. I'll also be working on making the magical switch from the heater to the air conditioner. I'm pretty sure we're through all the cold fronts mother nature wants to send our way, so it's the balmy sizzle of summer from here on out.


Apologies in advance for what will no doubt be a slow few weeks on the blog.


I'll try to throw up whatever interesting crap I find online. I always have that uneasy feeling that you've all seen everything I post up here somewhere else on the Internet, but I'm going to do it anyway just to look like I'm keeping up with my end of the deal.


So here's to another week! Caitlyn turns 6 months on the 29th. You know, they do really grow up too fast. I wasn't sure after hearing it 15,000 times, but it all makes sense now.


Hope life finds you well, and if not, best of luck in the future. I'm going to spend the last 10 minutes of lunch grabbing a warm cup of coffee, and searching for useless junk to toss up on the blog for the rest of the week.


Take care,

Jimmy